About deep ends and year ends.

Two years a ago soon after i turned 30 i plunged into a deep abyss which has lasted for two years and now at age 32, i can finally say that the dark cloud has passed ....my hubby might not agree with me. he might ask me who was that screaming banshee just a couple of weeks ago....this will be my answer " duh ever heard of PMS" so i still get down and i still wish i could strangle a lot of people from time to time but thats just part of the natural cycle of life...not the deep abyss i was talking about....

sometime in 2008 when i escaped to my bosom friend aps place to clear the chaos that my mind couldnt make sense of i wrote down a list (not the insane or silly stuff i post on my blog) but the real one nobody has seen......well as this dark cloud has lifted i have found out that almost 99% of the list has come true and a million of my prayers answered.

i have travelled more times this year than my jetsetting hubby.

Done stuff i never done in my life......got more gifts , surprises good and bad and much much more.

i have made peace with a lot of my inner demons and discovered a load more about myself and others.

iam a person who believes in certain intangible stuff in life.....a couple of years ago no matter what i did i kept bumping into the word " Faith'' i couldnt understand its true meaning....2 years ago i even thought i 'd name my 2nd child Faith if the baby turned out to be a girl....alas i had a boy but you must understand how strong this word was hitting me.....i had no clue that over the last two years how close i came to losing faith in God and mankind.....i was on the brink of giving up on the human race as a whole( no this doesnt mean i wanted to off myself) i now see it was just a reminder that tough times happen and i was to simply to " keep the faith".

Now that i have come back to myself this past year a new word has made its presence felt "HOPE" i am really feeling a whole lot healither inside....my hubby bought me a beautiful delicate necklace for christmas ( shhhh i am not supposed to know of course) but guess what the pendant on it said "HOPE "!!!!!!!!! on a tiny coin both in English and Hindi what are the odds????!!!!

so as the year winds to an end iam full of buck and beans and looking forward to a good year with a grateful heart for all the good and bad stuff coz sometimes its the bad stuff that teaches us who we really are and helps us understand a bit more of life. so here's to Hope !!!!!! and i wish you all a Blessed year ahead!

Sister of my Heart.

Its been a week since my sis left after a month long vacation with me. iam much better now but i was suffering from serious seperation anxiety and depression soon after her departure...which iam sure is normal but this time round i felt her absence keenly. Nins my sis and i have an 18 month age difference , as long as i remember she has always been a round ,we played together ,went to school together ,we shared the same bedroom and wardrobe all our lives....as all siblings do, we had our share of love ,hate and fights.
I've never really been apart from her most of my life apart from the odd stay over at a friend's....in 1999-2000 she left to pursue her higher studies in Australia, i never realised she was going away and life would never be the same ever again, it only struck me at the airport the moment she waved one last time before disappearing, i broke down in the airport and cried like a baby everyone was staring but i didnt give a hoot, just before leaving and giving me the last hug she handed me a letter i dont remember what it said but she did say she loved me.....that was the moment i felt a premonition that life would never be the same.( around the same time aps my best friend left for pune and deep my hubby and then boyfriend was overseas working)
when i went home her bed was stripped naked and her side of the cupboard stood half open revealing its empty shelves, i felt hollow inside and ever so lonely.
My premonition came true the following year i got married and moved to Singapore , my sister missed my wedding but aps stood in for her as my maid of honour. Life was never the same!
over the years we've had holidays and reunions with her.....but this holiday made a big diffrence coz it was a longer holiday than usual and as you must know i live with boys ,i forgot how wonderful hanging out with a girl was like laughing at private jokes, looking at each other with understanding even though no words were uttered, shoppping(iam not a shopper but i got converted coz of her for a while) dressing up to go to dinner,gossiping and catching up on ole friends and dissecting others behaviour....movies , food, music dancing the whole nine yards.....it was a blast.

I miss her a lot! but i know she's a phone call away and we will meet soon! In case she's reading this just wanted you to know. I am glad i have a sister and i am glad its you! Thanks for being around! love you. miss you sleeping beauty!

Sleeping beauty.

Iam a light sleeper.My sis on the other hand is what we Indians call "KUMBHAKARANA"( a character in Indian mythology who sleeps for 6 months and then eat a lot the other 6 months) when it comes around to the sleep factor.
Sleep is next to Godliness in her book. her sleeping patterns are much fodder for family get together jokes. but here's an incident which my father still cannot believe to be true.
Long long time ago in the good ole days ,when i was still in school and reed thin. one day we had to go out for a get together and my sis had an exam the next day and was left behind at home....we asked her to lock up the house from the inside and told her we would be back in no time as an extra measure we locked the house from the outside too.
so dahlin sister in true fairytale fashion was locked in the castle like a good ole princess.
After a couple of hours had passed we all returned home , the lock was opened but my sis had locked the door on the inside....so we rang the bell and waited there was no sound of my sister coming down the staircase....we then yelled up at the bedroom window still no news of the dear girl! having waited ...we the mob kinda got a bit worried and angry too.after hammering on the door and yelling at every window that my sister couldnt possibly ignore ...i was made to climb the chiku tree that leaned against the upstairs open courtyard from which the doors to the bedroom, could be accessed and which were left open most of the time.....so i legged it up the tree over the parapet wall and into the courtyard only to find dahlin sister had locked the doors from the inside i pushed at the door and through the chink could see her lying on the bed a few meters away....so i yelled for her to open the door and banged the door in anger but still no response.....finally i who could put a paper to shame had to pry open the windows to the livingroom slither through the bar which believe me even my skinny son cannot go through...of coz bruising my ribs et all got into the house ...went down the stairs and opened the door.....my Dad who is the most peaceful man i know on earth and who would give a murderer the benefit of the doubt....suddenly saw red...he marched upstairs and woke up Sleeping beauty who from the look of it was sleeping as if only a kiss from a prince could wake her up from the living dead situation. once aroused my dad accused her of being petty and she neednt have pretended to be asleep just coz we had left her alone....for those who know my sister ....who is a cool cucumber if i may say so....just rubbed her eyes sleepily and smiled ...this my father thought was a sure sign that she was feigning it......but truth be told till today she holds out that she was really sleeping!!!!
anyway the reason iam telling you all this is coz my sister who currently lives in Aussieland is coming down for a visit soonish...i called her this morning ( afternoon in downunder) and it was my phone call that woke her up ...i told her she better try waking up early as the time difference would kill her and her sleep cycles once she was here......she laughed said she'd try and i thought " right!!! pigs will fly next"
so sleeping or not iam totally looking forward to the arrival of" Sleeping beauty".hippieeeeeeeee to the reunion of the ya ya sisterhood!
Cant wait to have some female bonding....after being smothered by male company with my bunch of boys....totally looking forward with much anticipation!!! Just cant wait!!!

My to do Check list!

I have delibrately decided to write despite the fact that my grey matter including the remaining goo like matter has oozed out of my brain and i can sense flies or such creatures buzzing in my empty upper storey ....i have come to the important conclusion that i must and will continue blogging despite no topic or idea coming to mind ....simply coz i cant take this writers block anymore......so i convinced myself that i will cook up something and perhaps unlock my dead imagination....so bear with me peoples!

so here goes the list:-

1. i will write marvellous write ups in the near future.
2.i will become a sparkling conversationalist and peoples will flock around to hear
my stuff.
3.i will go to Photography classes and become a wonderful phototaker.
4.i will learn to bake and make a kickass wedding cake with dainty flowers et all.
5.i will get back my posh british accent and just love talking that way though iam sure to annoy a couple of people.
6.i will win the battle of the bulge come what may and get back at some people who have been giving me a pretty bad time.
7.i will continue to salivate over some people like Johnny Depp, James Mcavoy n Jonathan Rhys Meyers.( sorry hubby i cant help it .... but you're still the one i Love)
8. Buy Loads of BOOKS!!!!!
9. i will take a walk in the rain delibrately of course.....gosh the last time i did that was 10 years ago.
10.i will one day have a beautiful garden....yes yes i will......and if i dont have green fingers i will cultivate them.
11. i will grow my hair long and try not to cut it half way down the required length.
12. i will learn how to wear eyemake-up without poking myself in the eye and going blind in the process and make my eyes all smoky and hot!!!! sigh this one may be a dream.
13. blah blah blah......sorry the tom boy in me rebelled the moment i tried to become all girly....can you believe it next thing i know i would be taking moisteurising to a new level (in my case hard to believe). so i will stop before iam gonna give up and back pack into the wilderness and be eaten my wild beasts.
thanks for all those who wasted their precious time on reading this junk...im so grateful....hopefully i will write some brillant stuff next time round and knock your socks off!! till then
ciao.

On being a mom!

Friday last week saw me in tears and feeling emotions i didnt know one could feel! damn being a mom its horrid ... the helplessness one feels when one cant help their child in pain.....joash had to go through a minor surgery and they couldnt really help him with the pain for various reasons.....though the torture lasted a couple of mins ...i couldnt handle it at all......it was so horrid.i wish i could take all the pain and hold him tight but i couldnt...it was like something out of a nightmare....but the dahlin bounced back just like kids have a wonderful way of doing!!!!

so glad and relieved !!!! Gosh being a mom is tough! but i wouldnt change that for anything in the world!

something warm and fuzzy.

Yesterday my baby boy, joash did something i have never saw him do before.....the little tyke is down with a bad viral fever but nothing keeps the fella down...he plays as usual and makes cheeky little faces at you , after pulling my hair for the nth time when i finally think he's been at it too longer i will give him a firm "no joey" immediately his face changes , he's hurt and cant understand how anybody can scold him, in fact being the youngest and the baby of the house has spoiled him rotten...he believes that nobody should scold him ...in fact sometimes his expression gives you the impression that says "how dare you curb me or my activities".......

but the poor chap feels poorly from time to time ....he will come around and ask me for a hug or he'll go to tess and play the poor me face card and win a hug from that quarter too...but what amazes me is since he's been sick.....he grabbed my t-shirt which was left hanging on the door ...and started carrying around ...at first i thought it was a game but soon i realised that he was it carrying around like a security blanket...coz it smelled like mummy...awwww my heart melted....coz unlike most babies both of my kiddos are very independent ..unless very tired or in a strange place they dont cling...or constantly seek our attention ....they are very independent!!! so when the same thing happened today morning....off he went in search of the same red t-shirt and spent the whole day trailing it all around!! it warms my heart!!!!
how wonderful to know that ...i am that person who makes him feel safe and secure...and when iam busy..my t-shirt which smells like me....will keep him company and it makes him feels like i am around!!!!
lovely.....certain smells and sounds remind me of home and things with nostalgia ....its so heart warming to know i mean soo much too him.....i know it will pass , as kids grow up and also away from their parents we are no longer the center of their universe, but iam glad to know for the moment ...iam the most important person in the world for him!!!!
thanks joey we've made your mother's day!!! love ya!

The different me.

The last two months have been busy busy busy.....first i went for a short five day workshop in may....to check out if i could hold any clout being in the art world alas as fun and enlightening as it was i came to the realistic conclusion that in another birth or time i could have been a patron of arts but not the creator of anything closely resembling the fine arts....so that dream along with the boat crashed and burned !!!!

then my birthday came by, which was a happy time hubby made it real special and folks iam 32 yes yes dahlings there is no shame ....officially i've two legs in the thirties and i feel gooooood!!!! i sported a flashy jade green top and almost killed hubby trying to wear my hot red shoes ...iam sure he thought his wife was a hop,jump skip away from joining the looney bin....but no such luck honey!!! in a couple of years perhaps....iam loving the new 30's person who has emerged ...i who wanted no jewellery and wore subdued colours for my own wedding.....have become a colour freak and large jewellery is kinda my latest thing....bold is my middle name.....loving it!!!!

Joash my baby turned two!!!! time flies!!! with josh my eldest time went by slowly but with the super brat all things are whizzing by!!! joey is a cheeky bugger and more alive than any picture could captured ...so my little rascal hope to see many more fun filled years to come with you!!! God bless you!

June saw me breaking a leg at a friends party ....dancing???? you say yes folks dance is an unknown factor in my DNA ....but must be that small amount of the "juice" which my system cudnt contain .....made me "FEEL" all apsarasa like....gosh donno how embrasssing it all was...but who cares??? not me!!! no sireeee!

Then came the piece de resistance for our recent family vacation and i mean my hubby's entire family trooped over to 'Nepal' hubby bought me wait !!!!its a big one!!!!A Nikon D90!!!! iam over the moon...in 1997 i thought God please let me have a camera .....i want to be a photographer.....finally God has answered....whats not to like about the thirties???!!!
Nepal on the other hand was beautiful yet disappointing cant explain !!! people its not cold at all unless you are actually heading for the Everest peak! plus all of us took turns having the runs and vomitting...so it was a total wash out!

My friend recently had a blast on her beeday which she totally deserves , many more to you babe!!!!!!
and honestly what more could a girl ask for all i can say is" it is well ,it is well with my soul!!!!"

The circle.

Empty spaces echo in heart and hearth
charity is an illness and has no cure
staying,yet leaving only in the mind's window
knowing,debating and minding
Oh minding endlessless,like a dog after its tail.
escape the tedious waiting....oh the waiting
ceaslessly in the mind's labyrinth
waiting, waiting never resolving
never leaving,never changing.
charity is an illness and has no cure.

Perspective.

I live in Singapore....the land of progress and every thing new. It is a so called developing/ developed countries in Asia.
Most of the families here have both the husband and wife working and so most of these couples need somebody at home to clean-up ,cook and take care of the children....so having a full-time maid is quiet common...expensive but a necessicity one cannot do without. These maids come from poor countries like Philipines, Srilanka and mostly from Indonesia.....their salaries are low but when they send their money home it helps stave off the debtors and keeps them from starving....so these women leave their families and children and come working far from home and do their duty to their families.

Here is a true incident i encountered , My friend S has a srilankan maid.....we call her Nanny.....she has 3 grown children and her youngest was about to get married.she was heading home to attend it . every 2 years the Maids get their 1 month homeleave. i was visiting my friend S and i saw that Nanny was very excited and happy, as always i asked after her health and family and she beamed at me and told me the good news of her daugthers impending nuptials....i was happy for her....she then ran into the room she shares with the daugther of the house and began to show me the white sari she bought for the wedding ceremony and the peach one for the reception to follow.....It was lovely! the sarees where not expensive but simple and sweet and i was happy for her.
i then returned to my conversation with my friend and i saw nanny leave the house and come back an hour later with a truckload full of newspaper i asked my friend what does she want with all the stuff......S explained that Nanny had collected and bought many things for her family over the past two years....clothes old and new, glass bowls, milk powder, soaps etc to give to all her family members when she went home and she would be wrapping all those things with the newspaper....i was a bit taken aback and said i didnt think the Airlines would allow so such luggage.....Nanny laughed and bid me to follow her....in her room stood a container which covered the entire room...she said she would be shipping it back ...so that by the time she reached the container would be docked at a port near her home town for collection......she beamed at me like Santa claus .she told me magazines and newspaper were hard to buy for the poor people of their war ravaged country and so when they unwrapped the goodies inside they could read the articles on the newspaper wrappings......boy was i blown away!!!! i was speechless!!! touched beyond words! and ashamed at my wonderful life and i had the nerve to be dissatisfied with it!!!! i felt ashamed at the luxurious way i lived and turned my head upwards and Thanked God that i was born into a good family.
I have never seen Nanny sad.....she accepted her life and never gave up on hoping for the best for her kids ....by working hard her kids have good jobs and are well settled the youngest is now a trained midwife and recently i heard expecting her first baby......Nanny you amaze me!
i think i've written and said enough! i think this puts things in perspective!
Dont you think?!

Book zone.

If you were to ask me what is the one thing you cannot do without my answer would be BOOKS .
From the time i was a kid and i mean really little i've read books and like the character in " To kill a mocking bird" nobody taught me or my sis to read we were born reading, its true!!!and believe me that is not a sign of a genius but a true blue blooded book lover!

My dad tells me his father had a library at home and they were poor folks and read by hurricane lamps !!! so i guess it runs in the blood....my fathers sis is a literature prof and i've even seen her Mphil dissertation which i helped at one point prove read! lofty eh! i remember one day she took me to see her guide at some university too young to remember which one and left me in the library while she had a talk with him......i think that was the best thing that happened to me......the library was mammoth and given my size iam sure it looked even more impressive.....but what i love the most was the smell...no dont worry iam not ga ga yet....but really i love the smell of books they turn me on so to speak......those days books meant kiddy stories and all the classics...i didnt know about Foucault and Trisham shandy.....but i remember choosing a load full of books and taking them to a cubicle and just touching the leather bound books and smelling them and looking at the words.....just sitting there made me feel intellectual!!!!

My fate was sealed that day i decided that i would want to do literature when the time came.....and i did it and i enjoyed it! iam not one of those really deeply crazy philosophical types that wear specks and reads aristotle for breakfast no no iam not so highbrow folks...iam more the fiction type....just to clarify and to also let you know iam not boring either!

Anyway, though i have days when i cant read which happens from time to time...i still have a book around me otherwise i cant sleep or even visit the loo...atleast a page or two and then there are manic days when the world ceases to spin i dont know whats happening and i get into the book zone.....sleep is lost.....daily chores are unbearable and the telephone becomes a pest.....i devour books !!! from last week or more i've gotten into that mode! facebook is something i forget..people i avoid and hubby's coming home late is not bad at all!
I've read "The bookthief" " Harry potter and the Deathly hallows" again while reading " Pride and Prejudice" at the same time and the moment reading " The time travellers wife"....also i confess to reading some light hearted trash by some author whose name i cant even remember....but iam coming out of the zone now coz i can focus on other stuff and even checked the papers for any interesting movies and iam blogging again albeit inane stuff.....i also think the reason i am coming out of the zone is tess( my part time helper) ...its her last day today and i wont be seeing her for a month.....so cant afford to be "lost planet".....but i enjoyed every moment....cant wait for the next crazy book zone session!!!!

Your value???

Recently i found myself asking the question ,what is my value??? In a fallen world where people judge themselves by their bank balance, the kind of house they live in, what car they drive. what is their ranking and current salary....how many perks are attached to their job portfolio...people are even judged by the phone they carry. their branded clothes...heck even the schools their kids are attending .....how many vacations they have taken......kids parties are places where one parent is trying to outdo the other with the kinds of themes and cakes and goody bags they have given out.......boy i could write lists on this kind of comparsion and lifestyle......
people only feel they have made it! if they measure upto these materialistic symbols.....its a sad day for folk like me ...when all they've got is the number of years we've clocked in and no visible signs of all the hardwork they've accomplished.
people say empty crap like...oh you've done such a good job of raising the kids and how wonderfully you hosted the party you've thrown! some of my friends go as far as telling me...how great you get to chill at home and check your facebook account everyday!!!! boy did that hurt!!!
suddenly i felt like crap...felt like what rot hubby better pay me a salary.....next shopping trip iam gonna shop guilt free ...i mean i deserved all the stuff afterall.....or dont i???
hell i started to feel horrible .....i started to feel regret that i wasted so many years at home doing nothing but change diapers and wash dishes....where is my job satisfaction???...and so the list went on till my head was spinning with self-doubt, million justifications for my said unproductivity and i even worried about my market value .....no experience....no degrees...hell i dont remember even owing a C.V ......i was like totally mind-f------!!!!!
I was about to weep in despair and felt a totally shattered self-worth......but as always i remembered something that somebody told me years ago..its found in the Bible it said something to the effect that" Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart"
In a moment i felt all better...i felt nobody has the right to judge me and even if they do....i dont care my heart is in the right place.....i know my worth and so does God ....so the rest can do or not do anythingelse.....iam at peace with who iam and what i do! iam afterall human and if somebody told me they appreciated me and what i do.....i would be on cloud 9 !!!!!
but really what's my worth??? at this point i dont really care!!! coz iam invaluable and priceless!
so three cheers for moi...hip hip hurrah!

A mango and a Fall!

kavya and siri were upto to their usual pranks....afterall it was the summer vacation and school and homework were a distant memory for the next month or so.
Every morning their mother would nag them for a good hour before either of them would stir from their slumber....
but during the summer holidays they were up with the larks....begging for breakfast and waiting for appa (dad) to leave for work....they would fidget and irritate each other till they saw their father put on his shoes and take out the umbrella from the stand and shout out that he was leaving for work and that he would be back... supersitious like all Indians they dare not say iam going but always added the required i will be coming back!

They would hang onto the gate and wave at their father till he turned the corner of their street....with appa out of sight ,the sisters lost no time in giving a big whoopee of joy and dashing off to gather the rest of their friends and the whole morning would be spent in delightful games...

anyway , today was different for some reason they found themselves with only each others company....they began playing amicably till the bickering started....just as they had thought they would start fighting in all earnest.....the snooty girl (sony) who lived upstairs who was always showing off her expensive toys (which by the way she would never share) joined them!
kavya and siri's eyes immediately alighted on the huge juicy yellow mango in her hands!
kavya the eldest couldnt contain herself and asked sony if she would be eating the mango all by herself.....about to answer in the affirmative, sony one of those devious kids one finds in every neighbour , said would give kavya the mango on the condition that she jump off the roof of their 2 storied building!!! one thing kavya couldnt resist was a dare.....siri being the youngest seeing the glint in her sister's eyes knew that her mad sis was about to take up the challenge....so she tried to intervene and tell sony that they didnt want her rotten mango anyway.....but kavya hushed her sister and dashed up the stairs to jump off the roof. sony who thought she was a smartass started to panic....her plan was going awry and a hint of a canning she would get if kavya really took up the challenge loomed large in her mind.
siri knowing kavya started the usual tattletale story of chechi ( elder sister)if you dont come down i will go and call amma( mother) NOW!
Looking up the girls spotted kavya on top of the roof....without a single glimmer of hesitation she leaped off the building to the horror of the young girls down below..............there was a lot of screaming and the next thing they heard was a loud thud as kavya landed on the ground at their feet and then there was silence not even waiting to see if her sis was alright siri took off to get her amma and all this while sony was screaming kavya's dead , kavya's dead!!!!!!

when siri and her mom came running , they found a winded but uninjured kavya trying to stand up while dusting her skirt at the sametime ,she was moaning in pain! her mother both relieved and angry didnt know what to say and demanded the whole story ! The mother held onto kavya's ear and told her she would be learning her lesson soon enough ....she informed the girls "wait till appa comes home ...surely your goose will be cooked"!

Leading the girls inside their mother turned to tell sony that she had been a very bad girl! kavya was quiet throughout the reprimanding suddenly burst out saying i mean iam gonna get punished anyway but can i have my "mango please"! afterall i did jump didnt i?! everybody was flabbergasted...but today years later it only brings out good memories and laughter !!!!

p.s: Fiction.

Proud mama!

Honestly speaking i always thought i was one of those cool mom's who love their children to death regardless of how they fare in life!

To a certain extent i think iam right about myself, i know that no matter what my kids do in life...whether they are successful or not,my love for them will remain strong.....in fact i hear and believe to be true that mothers are always protective and anxious about the weaker child.

Anyway, personally i've seen too many parents who are parital to the most successful of their children and show some amount of dissappointment or disapproval of a child that doesnt do well!

i think that is a very unfair and cruel way of thinking as you destroy the self-esteem of the child who for various reasons or standards set by this world are unable to make it!

I've also seen parents ,who are never satisfied no matter what their kids do and push the kids to do stuff they were not meant to do ...its a high pressure situation as the child is doing things to please the parent and win their approval.

Of course there is also the indifferent and neglectful parent who does nothing and ruin their children's chances and potential to make it in this world.

I know there is no perfect parent as sometimes i see joshua and joash unhappy with me..josh at times feels that mummy is too strict and hard on him, and joash of course wants a free reign to create mayhem.....i have to remind myself that iam the parent and though i want to be their friend too....as many books tell me i have to get real...as this is not the age or stage for that kinda parenting given that my kids are too young!

I see parents ( also me) making the kids join this class or another all with good intentions...which parent wouldnt like to see their kids shine? also in singapore where i live there is a lot of pressure on kids to do well n they r stressed out!!!! i believe certain amount of pressure is necessary to push children to do well ...i meant josh wouldnt want to read if i never made that a good habit!

sometimes we also lose sight that we need to try something different or another mode of teaching to help ,every child is different dont i know that josh and joey are chalk n cheese.....the same stuff i used on josh seems to produce no effect on joash.....anyway the thing is i also want to praise my child when he does something good even if it is something small......this friday at sports day joshua did well...his team won the gold for baton relay running...we didnt even know he was participating .....it was a happy day for me....josh has always been a hyperactive child and he is also very fast at running away !!!they say that boys generally are more active but in josh's case a tad bit more than usual......finally we have found a way to channel his unending restlessness....and i say Josh,mum n dad are real proud!!! keep up the good work!

i dont know why i wrote this longwinded treatise on parenting that was not my intention but i am sure it was meanttobe...so dont throw stuff at me...iam no expert......just a mom yabbering her stuff!

In memorium!

We were walking around the three of us ! a new place for all of us......one couple and i was the only one person who was crowding the unholy trinity....but the moment we stepped onto this place we found that we were not 3 people anymore,there was a strong presence of another person....yes we couldnt see "him" but he was there alright! we all sensed "him", how couldnt we...the place we visited was raved about and was the said person's favourite place as a young chap ....he had explored its beauty and treasures alone.

i know iam not a top class writer but like all good or bad writers....our deepest longing is to put in words, emotions, feelings, point of views, colours , textures.....we are artist 's of a kind only our medium is words.....sometimes we are voyuers into life and people, we cannot help...plagarising from life...from stealing perhaps that which we have no rightful claim. so forgive me if i am treading on sacred ground but something is compelling me to write......could it be deep down a need never to forget somebody who is close to ones heart! i dont know...........

anyway...each of us reacted differently to the said presence......i recollected "him" with fond thoughts, one of us, become very sensitive to the other person and tried to be normal and give space to the person who was effected the most by" him"....why wouldnt he ....afterall can one truly ever forget ones sibling.....instantly a change came over my friend .....he became subdued ,everything took on a different meaning....my friends eyes reflected shades of grief, loss and a heartwrenching longing that he would give anything to recall the presence to life.....his eyes hungrily devoured the million wares displayed as if looking on these things would bring back something that the other had seen.....but in a way my friend did...he connected with "him".....it was a shared understanding ....and in that silence they were together! we all do that when a person we love goes away and we miss them, if we happen to visit a fave haunt....all the memories come flooding...filling us with a little ache of longing....of even sometimes a bittersweet feeling! sometimes we dont always understand our loved ones...we might know them well...but all of us have hidden recesses deep in our soul....but when moments like this happen ....a clarity of the why and how is granted us.

i asked my friend a couple of times ...if he was ok! but he reallly wanted to wrap that moment around him like a blanket and disappear into its sensations....well nothing lasts forever and he eventually returned to us as we left the place....we sensed the presense no longer "he" had disappeared into the folds of the unknown from where "he" had come ....perhaps at the beckoning of a brother's heart.
dahlin boy ...we miss you as another year of your passing remembers you.....we love you ! for in death we grant you our unconditional love....keep visiting us!

Hello sunshine!

Joshua has to wake up at 5.30 am everyday to catch the school bus on time......ever since jan this year.....i hear the alarm go off..i hear hubby shuffle outta bed.....i mumble something to the effect like.....tomoro i will send josh to school and plonk right back into bed....only when deep is outta town i have been forced to wake up and drop josh....which for some weird reason i was finding hard to do...i wake up at 4-4.30 am no prob....6.00am no prob....but 5.30 am had become my time to go into my deep sleep pattern.......so everyday hubby comes home dead tired from work and complains that he is up with the larks and damn tired......everyday i have been telling hubby how sorry iam and definitely tomoro i will drop josh.....hubby just laughs!!!!!

anyway my plan from jan has been to get up in the morning drop off josh at the bustop and start going for walks or atleast bicycle......3 months later....today without a hitch i woke up ....yay! dropped josh off and had a wonderful walk...ya ya you cynics i know what you are thinking lets see how long this lasts.....well iam happy i started and i hope tomoro i will be up with the larks and hopefully this happy and healthy phase continues...send me your good wishes people....i need it!" so here's to you kid!"( kid been moi of coz ha ha ha)

Josh celebrates another year!

Joshua was born on 6th march 2002 @ 1.22 pm! the moment they plonked him on me
funnily nothing of the ma ki mamta bit happened...i was not one of those johnson baby advert mothers
who wept with tears of joys...nope not me....but the feeling did creep up unnoticed in the days following his birth

i remember when he was born , deep kept saying he looked like me...i thought what he meant was he's ugly...boy was i wrong! in fact i didnt recognise josh when they had bathed him and finally bought him to the room, i told the nurse
this was not my baby...the nursed panicked , but luckily , his name tag confirmed him as mine and he had the marks of the forceps on his face alrite.....he was beautiful....everyone thought he was Eurasian! which not far from the truth in a way, as both deep and me come from different races...he's aryan while iam a dravidian!

well, it goes without saying as a first time parent everything seemed difficult and wonderful...and i must admit that deep and me had the most marvellous time bringing up josh....josh by comparision to any child is an easy child by nature...i have never saw him scream or shout or throw a tantrum , yes from time to time he behaved badly thats coz he always was and is a hyper child, uber active and carefree! but with him i had my fair share of probs....the fact that he never eats....now he is better but that is in comparision to his non- eating days...he suffers from allergies and is a bit on the delicate side...the worst trait of all is he never goes to bed early...i think for a person who needed 8 hours of sleep i was turned into a sleepless zombie.

honestly after joash the brat was born i realised i had a veritable angel and i never appreciated it! after 5 years of stardom ,josh was dethroned and of coz he felt it and acted up and of coz going to school and picking up bad habits were bound to happen...but nontheless...josh is the best child anybody can ask for.....he's smart ,goodlooking, intelligent, friendly and clean...but what appeals the most to me about him is his nature...he is very loving! i feels that's very important....alongside with character.

As my first born and only child and companion in a new country for ages...josh will always be special, i believe each child is special to a parent in different ways...so is the case with josh...and hard as it is to admit...but josh has always been he's daddy's boy...it was bound to happen!

I think we forget so many things that our children do as kids but some memories remain etched in memory, one such incident is...when i was expecting joey, i was suffering from terrible nausea and one day when i was throwing up in the toilet bowl, i felt a tiny hand rubbing my backing saying are you ok mummmy! nobody taught him to do that...even in my sick state i couldnt help feeling touched...there was nobody to take care of him as deep used to travel a lot! he learned to bathed himself ,feed himself and generally was such an angel...and today my angel who was a baby yesterday....has turned 7 years old and has spelling tests! gosh when did that happen??? anyway i am Thankful to God for my sweetheart! and pray for God's blessings on him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY joshy! I love you! no matter what you will always be my no 1 guy! loads of kisses and hugs!

A wonderful month!

Of all the months in the year i never thought much of the weird "feb" , but as of now the year 2009 , i can safely say its one of the best months in the year!
this month had me travelling from India to attend my close friends wedding, to going off to cambodia on a secret 3 day anniversary holiday( pssssssssst pleez readers of this blog do not tell anybody as my family back home doesnt know abt it) with hubby and today the newlyweds are heading to singapore on their way back from their honeymoon and i will get to hang out, albeit for a couple of hours!
Yes at the moment life is beautiful, i wish to write abt ash's wedding and my trip to India as a single person ....not happened since i got married and had children...it was a break of a lifetime and i feel so much more refreshed and ready to face the challenges life has in store....this year has been taxing in the sense that from being a mom with two kiddos and taking care of their basic needs...i now have a son who has to be coached at studies and plus deal with a toddler....i now am able to do it gladly just coz i got a break.....i think we all need such short reprieves!

Since
hubs and moi got married way too young and had a kiddo quiet early ( my dahlin josh) i think it was tough with no family in a different country....but going away with hubby made me realise that we should never forget that we are married to our spouses and not our kids...they will eventually leave the nest! though kids are important and vital....we must nuture our relationship as a couple.....odd as it was being without the kids ...we felt so free and believe me,hubs and yours truly, didnt have a single fight! though i did throw a mini tantrum when the blazing sun got to me and hubby wanted to carry on sightseeing! anyway the trip to Cambodia also requires me to do a small write up by itself.......
i have loads to share ash's wedding, meeting up with ole friends and family...and all that glorious food! so hang on folks lots of stuff coming up! so stay tuned!!!

Just for you!

i am reading this book and it quoted a few lines from an Italian song.....kinda liked it! so here it goes

E tu dice: 'I' parto,addio!'
T'alluntane da stu core...
Da la terra da l'ammore...
Tiene'o core'e nun turna'?*

*So you say,"Farewell, I'm leaving!"
Going far from what the heart clings to...
From the land where you found love ...
But would you not rather come back?

beautiful aint it!
p.s:
iam going home for a few days.....By home i mean India and iam so happy! i wish all of you were coming too......especially hubs and aps and niru and of coz baacha log!.....but since iam not around for valentines let me say....I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! and Happy valentines day! thanks for being in my life folks!

Nothing lasts forever.

Tomorow is my last day to hit town , go out, meet up with friends for that matter do anything from 9 am to 7 pm.
Tess short for teresa my part-time helper......who started to help me out for a couple of hours everyday for the last few months and who by the way was supposed to start working this month for the entire day.......has thrown a spanner in the works literally.....she was to learn to help me with the kids as i was going to start my chef course this coming april......but alas it is not to be ...my dreams have been dashed to smithreens.....well i cant join for another year by then God know what other things will befall me i dont know!

Tess's hubby fell very sick and had to be hospitalised...the diagnoses is not yet out but,they suspect '' LUNG CANCER" how is a human supposed to be mad at anyone......tess and hubby planning to move back home ...so that her hubby can die peacefully in their home country "Philipines".

I understand her pain ...i feel the hopelessness, the fear at death's door, how will she face being strong alone......how does one deal with a loved one dying and suffering slowly.....how strong does she have to be???? how does one live knowing they have to deal with life after your so called jeevan sathi leaves before your life is far from done! horror.....she comes to work daily coz she needs the money......she's been here from the last 2 days and tomorow will be her last full day , at my place , she will come from time to time to clean my place till she leaves...but she seems to be a ghost.

iam so down for her but honestly as a human i suck for i cant seem to deal with the deathblow of having to wait another year...the disappoint has been too much to bear.......add to that the truth that i have to deal with two active boys with different needs, one has studies while the other has to be potty trained and deal with cleaning, moping, cooking and everything in between....i find myself depressed......after 9 years of staying at home with children under the age of 7 , in a foreign land without a break and family .......one wishes to weep!

my upstairs friend always begrudges me tess and secretly hates that i have help...why do people envy me......i deserved tess....but nothing this good could last i guess!

last friday when tess broke the news....i cried in the balcony ,i dressed hurriedly and left the house i didnt know what to do......for the first time in my life i went for a movie " The Reader" alone....after the movie i wandered aimlessly in the mall hoping that the clock would stop ticking .....but it didnt! i spent the rest of the time in my fave bookstore, i purchased the first book that looked beautiful imagine that ......me jaya naomi ...purchased a book without reading what it was about.....its called " Beautiful blue death" ironical eh!?
yesterday i pretended to be normal but what i did was stuff my face, oil my hair and every few mins checked my facebook or gmail accounts as if they would reveal a remedy for an ailing heart.
Today i couldnt bare wasting precious mins i dashed off and met dhanam akka ...who i was meeting literally after a year....came home cooked and then called hubby and dashed to the library for tess.... and now i face a single day of freedom and i dont know what to do with it.....lydia asked to come over maybe i will go or maybe i will go and catch "Doubt"........but what i would really like is to go to Vijayleela apartment and chill with my friend and listen to her family chatter over chai in their non-stop oriya .....a language which i know nothing of except the single word "Bappi"
but i know my TESS OF DEE\ APS did not believe me when i said if wishes where money i would be with her! i didnt even need her to share or talk ,even her silence would be welcome. i miss her, i miss the ole gauva tree where i grew up , i miss the stonewalled parapet where as a teenager i fought with ups and downs.....i wish deep would take off tomoro and make me feel ok.
Sadly my friend is right......life is not like fiction.....one cannot escape real life but fiction might help us forget it for a moment. I believe tomorow will be a better day ......but for today i will grieve my dreams and my disappointment.....for nothing lasts forever , not happiness nor sadness!

remembrance.

This one i owe to you, appu. Dad and i are pretty close , i am sure if you ask my sis she will tell the same , in fact if you ask my bro i guess he would say the same too......thats coz my dad is that kinda dad....the best kind....iam not sure if he ever scored great points for being a good husband....but as a a dad ....he still is no 1 , according to me anyway.

My mom complains that when i was a couple of weeks ole .....he asked our driver to take pictures of him with the baby( me) and never woke up my mom.....i think she still holds it against him.....but me...iam secretly thrilled that he took time to bond with me...it was the start of a wonderful relationship......anyway i wanted to write down a particular incident which was brought back to memory by what my friend said about her dad.

This was days before i got married ......i was still doing my masters at that time and my head was full of term papers ....booklist to go thru and innumerable seminars to prepare for, and to top that i was having the heebiesjeebies at the prospect of my impending wedding......starting a new life ,in a new country plus juggling the last few months before i completed my masters....it was a harrowing time.....i even remember i actually went to uni oneday without having prepared my seminar and i went up to speak and started faltering.......I think my prof actually thought i had lost it......quel horror!

anyway.....a funny thing started to happen at night...at first i was very annoyed...but then i realised that this is what real love is all about......iam a light sleeper and after tossing and turning over a miillion things i would fall asleep only to find somebody moving in my room at night.....it was my mom trying to sleep on the floor near my bed.....she would keep me awake with her tossing and turning and sometimes after i yelled at her she would go back to her bedroom or to the sofa in the room next to mine.....this went on the whole month before i got married.......and then after all these nighttime shenanigans .....i wud see my dad staring at me in the early morning hours standing close to my bed.......this happened till the day i got married i always pretended to be fast asleep.....but i did enjoy my dad gazing at me like i was something so special ,that he couldnt bear to part with me!

well, when the time came for my vidaieeeeeeeee.....i cudnt see my mom or dad anywhere....they had quietly left without a word.....i remember crying and telling deep that they didnt even say good bye and they left me with a total stranger.....poor hubby i can only imagine being called a total stranger on the day he became my husband...neverthless i cried that nite n promptly fell asleep.....so much for romantic beginnings....anyway i called my mom and yelled at her in the morning she said she couldnt bear saying goodbye , so they decided to leave quietly. wonder how is feels when child who is part of you everyday , grows up and leaves......heartbreaking!

In the end we all know that we are loved and cherished coz of moments like these....we all encounter true love......whether in the form of a wave from a balcony or a silent visit in the night....love is all around.....miracles happen everday , some one them come in packages called parents.......thanks mom and dad! we love you too!

In love.

This moment got registered in my mind perhaps 2 years ago......i've been meaning to write a short story about it ever since...but fiction and me dont go together, so i thought its time to write it down just as it is.....with no embellishments or frills...but just as it is , sharing my hearts deepest desire......

I dont remember where i was coming from but i definitely remember i was on the MRT( Singapore's equivalent to the newyork subway only that it is faster , cleaner, smarter and way cooler!) and i was doing what most of my friends call...staring at the general public....actually what i term as human watching something akin to birdwatching.....i love observing human behaviour and its honestly done without my knowledge.....

anyway i was indulging in my usual voyeurism into the human pschye when my eyes landed on an elderly couple.....they were sitting close to each other...not in the nasty way couples do nowadays...but in an oldfashion kinda way which is hard for me to describe....the man had his shirt tucked in and was neatly dressed and woman was dressed in a world war 2 kinda way. she had a shopping bag at her feet...just looking at them you wondered how old they were coz when you looked at them you felt such an old world feeling.....they were talking a bit loudly and i think they were discussing about their CPF (Central providend fund) which made me wonder how they managed their lives as they looked very old....anyway as life has a way of suprising you...they got off at Hougang station same as moi.....which for some strange reason i still remember. they slowly made their way out and then they got onto the escalator in front of me......

This is a moment i will never forget.....the woman looked a bit bewildered and scared to step on to the escalator and in true gentlemanly fashion the old man as if this was a dance they always performed gave her his arm which she held onto for dear life...the hubby a step on top supporting each other in their wobbly old age........just marvellous! it restored my faith in humanity, love, family, togetherness like never before and the thought that was floating on the top of my brain was.....awww this is how it should be when i grow old.....a life time spent together with grown children and perhaps even grandchildren....and it all boiled down to simply surviving going up the escalator and having this total dependence and understanding of each other.....it made me feel this is it...this is love....not vulgar and sordid love affairs which people mistake for love......but this was the genuine article no fancy dating , no latest hotpants or makeup on, iam sure when he met her he was no bigshot educated guy.....but i imagine he promised her nothing...but all through their life, the good and the bad..... facing life together.
call me a romantic , a sentimental fool....maybe all i saw was a figment of my imgaination.....but for some reason.....what i felt was the truth...their love was true and forged in real life .
well i've come to the end of sharing this moment which made a deep impact on me and i wish to God.....I will have what this elderly couple share someday.

Thought of the day!

Yep its one of those things i always wanted to do be the sayer of sayings...here goes one " one has to pull their diehard positive spirit out of hibernation" aparna das.

well thats all for now......this kinda thing i call sayings from the common man.......have a positive day ahead.....ta da or is it ta ta.....anyway its one one them if you got the gist!
byeeeeeee
psssssst i promise this nonsensical phase will pass...iam just warming up for bigger and greater divine writing.....i promise this is leading upto something good ....be patient my good readers!

Diehard romantic!

The last couple of days has seen me a desperate movie watcher........instead of recharging my already dead batteries with a well deserved and much needed nap.....when i find both the kids sleeping at the same time ....i cant resist doing something and since i cant getaway ....i watch movies.....yes my dahlins they are the mushiest and girliest ones evea...(thanks to my sister who is the owner of the said collection) ..... since she passed on a whole bunch of them......i've become the admirer of the corniest lines the sentimental fool in me secretly enjoys the teary bits.......

Well the side of me that is all artsy fartsy protests.....but to hell.....now and then i will indulge and you snooty art movie watchers may go and take a @$##.......whatever that is........

The movie "Australia" left me with the line" if love aint in your heart then you got nothing"....to Nothing hill's " there are people who do grow old together"......not to mention a hundred other such lines have left me craving for romance......hope to find some too.....not a bad wish eh! well heres to some romance dripping movie watching in the days to come! cheers

Steaming off!

I know that i promised myself way before new years that i would do some quality writing .....but who was i kidding...the moment i start to think such lofty stuff....i get hit by a bad case of writers block.....
while iam travelling on the train or just washing the dishes my mind is assailed by a million ideas and even short stories ...but by the time i manage to get to my blog...inspiration runs dry and i find myself toooo tired or i've completely forgotten that wonderful thought......

so unlike many other optimistic people ....who get all gooey and mushy at new years...i 've decided to go the opposite way and do nothing great or make no big plans or resolutions and maybe...things will happen....so here's to reverse psychology......everyday from henceforth i commit myself to writing utter gibberish and perhaps posthumously i will be read as one of the greats and go down in the annals of history as a history maker( well i did warn you it would be utter nonsense)
so holding on to that thought....today i was very touched by something i saw on the telly.....a daugther who wonders if she actually belongs to her family as she finds no similarities asks her father.....why she is so different...she says " daddy i even drive fast unlike you...you never even touch the speed limit.....her dad replies and says who says i drive slow......i only drive slow coz you are in the car" for some reason i was touched!!! must be that father dotter thingy that gets me each time! well on that totally unrelated note ....i bid you adieu and say see ya tomorrow.
psssst ....hopefully some sleep will clear my head.......nite nite!