Recently i found myself asking the question ,what is my value??? In a fallen world where people judge themselves by their bank balance, the kind of house they live in, what car they drive. what is their ranking and current salary....how many perks are attached to their job portfolio...people are even judged by the phone they carry. their branded clothes...heck even the schools their kids are attending .....how many vacations they have taken......kids parties are places where one parent is trying to outdo the other with the kinds of themes and cakes and goody bags they have given out.......boy i could write lists on this kind of comparsion and lifestyle......
people only feel they have made it! if they measure upto these materialistic symbols.....its a sad day for folk like me ...when all they've got is the number of years we've clocked in and no visible signs of all the hardwork they've accomplished.
people say empty crap like...oh you've done such a good job of raising the kids and how wonderfully you hosted the party you've thrown! some of my friends go as far as telling me...how great you get to chill at home and check your facebook account everyday!!!! boy did that hurt!!!
suddenly i felt like crap...felt like what rot hubby better pay me a salary.....next shopping trip iam gonna shop guilt free ...i mean i deserved all the stuff afterall.....or dont i???
hell i started to feel horrible .....i started to feel regret that i wasted so many years at home doing nothing but change diapers and wash dishes....where is my job satisfaction???...and so the list went on till my head was spinning with self-doubt, million justifications for my said unproductivity and i even worried about my market value .....no experience....no degrees...hell i dont remember even owing a C.V ......i was like totally mind-f------!!!!!
I was about to weep in despair and felt a totally shattered self-worth......but as always i remembered something that somebody told me years ago..its found in the Bible it said something to the effect that" Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart"
In a moment i felt all better...i felt nobody has the right to judge me and even if they do....i dont care my heart is in the right place.....i know my worth and so does God ....so the rest can do or not do anythingelse.....iam at peace with who iam and what i do! iam afterall human and if somebody told me they appreciated me and what i do.....i would be on cloud 9 !!!!!
but really what's my worth??? at this point i dont really care!!! coz iam invaluable and priceless!
so three cheers for moi...hip hip hurrah!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
A mango and a Fall!
kavya and siri were upto to their usual pranks....afterall it was the summer vacation and school and homework were a distant memory for the next month or so.
Every morning their mother would nag them for a good hour before either of them would stir from their slumber....
but during the summer holidays they were up with the larks....begging for breakfast and waiting for appa (dad) to leave for work....they would fidget and irritate each other till they saw their father put on his shoes and take out the umbrella from the stand and shout out that he was leaving for work and that he would be back... supersitious like all Indians they dare not say iam going but always added the required i will be coming back!
They would hang onto the gate and wave at their father till he turned the corner of their street....with appa out of sight ,the sisters lost no time in giving a big whoopee of joy and dashing off to gather the rest of their friends and the whole morning would be spent in delightful games...
anyway , today was different for some reason they found themselves with only each others company....they began playing amicably till the bickering started....just as they had thought they would start fighting in all earnest.....the snooty girl (sony) who lived upstairs who was always showing off her expensive toys (which by the way she would never share) joined them!
kavya and siri's eyes immediately alighted on the huge juicy yellow mango in her hands!
kavya the eldest couldnt contain herself and asked sony if she would be eating the mango all by herself.....about to answer in the affirmative, sony one of those devious kids one finds in every neighbour , said would give kavya the mango on the condition that she jump off the roof of their 2 storied building!!! one thing kavya couldnt resist was a dare.....siri being the youngest seeing the glint in her sister's eyes knew that her mad sis was about to take up the challenge....so she tried to intervene and tell sony that they didnt want her rotten mango anyway.....but kavya hushed her sister and dashed up the stairs to jump off the roof. sony who thought she was a smartass started to panic....her plan was going awry and a hint of a canning she would get if kavya really took up the challenge loomed large in her mind.
siri knowing kavya started the usual tattletale story of chechi ( elder sister)if you dont come down i will go and call amma( mother) NOW!
Looking up the girls spotted kavya on top of the roof....without a single glimmer of hesitation she leaped off the building to the horror of the young girls down below..............there was a lot of screaming and the next thing they heard was a loud thud as kavya landed on the ground at their feet and then there was silence not even waiting to see if her sis was alright siri took off to get her amma and all this while sony was screaming kavya's dead , kavya's dead!!!!!!
when siri and her mom came running , they found a winded but uninjured kavya trying to stand up while dusting her skirt at the sametime ,she was moaning in pain! her mother both relieved and angry didnt know what to say and demanded the whole story ! The mother held onto kavya's ear and told her she would be learning her lesson soon enough ....she informed the girls "wait till appa comes home ...surely your goose will be cooked"!
Leading the girls inside their mother turned to tell sony that she had been a very bad girl! kavya was quiet throughout the reprimanding suddenly burst out saying i mean iam gonna get punished anyway but can i have my "mango please"! afterall i did jump didnt i?! everybody was flabbergasted...but today years later it only brings out good memories and laughter !!!!
p.s: Fiction.
Every morning their mother would nag them for a good hour before either of them would stir from their slumber....
but during the summer holidays they were up with the larks....begging for breakfast and waiting for appa (dad) to leave for work....they would fidget and irritate each other till they saw their father put on his shoes and take out the umbrella from the stand and shout out that he was leaving for work and that he would be back... supersitious like all Indians they dare not say iam going but always added the required i will be coming back!
They would hang onto the gate and wave at their father till he turned the corner of their street....with appa out of sight ,the sisters lost no time in giving a big whoopee of joy and dashing off to gather the rest of their friends and the whole morning would be spent in delightful games...
anyway , today was different for some reason they found themselves with only each others company....they began playing amicably till the bickering started....just as they had thought they would start fighting in all earnest.....the snooty girl (sony) who lived upstairs who was always showing off her expensive toys (which by the way she would never share) joined them!
kavya and siri's eyes immediately alighted on the huge juicy yellow mango in her hands!
kavya the eldest couldnt contain herself and asked sony if she would be eating the mango all by herself.....about to answer in the affirmative, sony one of those devious kids one finds in every neighbour , said would give kavya the mango on the condition that she jump off the roof of their 2 storied building!!! one thing kavya couldnt resist was a dare.....siri being the youngest seeing the glint in her sister's eyes knew that her mad sis was about to take up the challenge....so she tried to intervene and tell sony that they didnt want her rotten mango anyway.....but kavya hushed her sister and dashed up the stairs to jump off the roof. sony who thought she was a smartass started to panic....her plan was going awry and a hint of a canning she would get if kavya really took up the challenge loomed large in her mind.
siri knowing kavya started the usual tattletale story of chechi ( elder sister)if you dont come down i will go and call amma( mother) NOW!
Looking up the girls spotted kavya on top of the roof....without a single glimmer of hesitation she leaped off the building to the horror of the young girls down below..............there was a lot of screaming and the next thing they heard was a loud thud as kavya landed on the ground at their feet and then there was silence not even waiting to see if her sis was alright siri took off to get her amma and all this while sony was screaming kavya's dead , kavya's dead!!!!!!
when siri and her mom came running , they found a winded but uninjured kavya trying to stand up while dusting her skirt at the sametime ,she was moaning in pain! her mother both relieved and angry didnt know what to say and demanded the whole story ! The mother held onto kavya's ear and told her she would be learning her lesson soon enough ....she informed the girls "wait till appa comes home ...surely your goose will be cooked"!
Leading the girls inside their mother turned to tell sony that she had been a very bad girl! kavya was quiet throughout the reprimanding suddenly burst out saying i mean iam gonna get punished anyway but can i have my "mango please"! afterall i did jump didnt i?! everybody was flabbergasted...but today years later it only brings out good memories and laughter !!!!
p.s: Fiction.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Proud mama!
Honestly speaking i always thought i was one of those cool mom's who love their children to death regardless of how they fare in life!
To a certain extent i think iam right about myself, i know that no matter what my kids do in life...whether they are successful or not,my love for them will remain strong.....in fact i hear and believe to be true that mothers are always protective and anxious about the weaker child.
Anyway, personally i've seen too many parents who are parital to the most successful of their children and show some amount of dissappointment or disapproval of a child that doesnt do well!
i think that is a very unfair and cruel way of thinking as you destroy the self-esteem of the child who for various reasons or standards set by this world are unable to make it!
I've also seen parents ,who are never satisfied no matter what their kids do and push the kids to do stuff they were not meant to do ...its a high pressure situation as the child is doing things to please the parent and win their approval.
Of course there is also the indifferent and neglectful parent who does nothing and ruin their children's chances and potential to make it in this world.
I know there is no perfect parent as sometimes i see joshua and joash unhappy with me..josh at times feels that mummy is too strict and hard on him, and joash of course wants a free reign to create mayhem.....i have to remind myself that iam the parent and though i want to be their friend too....as many books tell me i have to get real...as this is not the age or stage for that kinda parenting given that my kids are too young!
I see parents ( also me) making the kids join this class or another all with good intentions...which parent wouldnt like to see their kids shine? also in singapore where i live there is a lot of pressure on kids to do well n they r stressed out!!!! i believe certain amount of pressure is necessary to push children to do well ...i meant josh wouldnt want to read if i never made that a good habit!
sometimes we also lose sight that we need to try something different or another mode of teaching to help ,every child is different dont i know that josh and joey are chalk n cheese.....the same stuff i used on josh seems to produce no effect on joash.....anyway the thing is i also want to praise my child when he does something good even if it is something small......this friday at sports day joshua did well...his team won the gold for baton relay running...we didnt even know he was participating .....it was a happy day for me....josh has always been a hyperactive child and he is also very fast at running away !!!they say that boys generally are more active but in josh's case a tad bit more than usual......finally we have found a way to channel his unending restlessness....and i say Josh,mum n dad are real proud!!! keep up the good work!
i dont know why i wrote this longwinded treatise on parenting that was not my intention but i am sure it was meanttobe...so dont throw stuff at me...iam no expert......just a mom yabbering her stuff!
In memorium!
We were walking around the three of us ! a new place for all of us......one couple and i was the only one person who was crowding the unholy trinity....but the moment we stepped onto this place we found that we were not 3 people anymore,there was a strong presence of another person....yes we couldnt see "him" but he was there alright! we all sensed "him", how couldnt we...the place we visited was raved about and was the said person's favourite place as a young chap ....he had explored its beauty and treasures alone.
i know iam not a top class writer but like all good or bad writers....our deepest longing is to put in words, emotions, feelings, point of views, colours , textures.....we are artist 's of a kind only our medium is words.....sometimes we are voyuers into life and people, we cannot help...plagarising from life...from stealing perhaps that which we have no rightful claim. so forgive me if i am treading on sacred ground but something is compelling me to write......could it be deep down a need never to forget somebody who is close to ones heart! i dont know...........
anyway...each of us reacted differently to the said presence......i recollected "him" with fond thoughts, one of us, become very sensitive to the other person and tried to be normal and give space to the person who was effected the most by" him"....why wouldnt he ....afterall can one truly ever forget ones sibling.....instantly a change came over my friend .....he became subdued ,everything took on a different meaning....my friends eyes reflected shades of grief, loss and a heartwrenching longing that he would give anything to recall the presence to life.....his eyes hungrily devoured the million wares displayed as if looking on these things would bring back something that the other had seen.....but in a way my friend did...he connected with "him".....it was a shared understanding ....and in that silence they were together! we all do that when a person we love goes away and we miss them, if we happen to visit a fave haunt....all the memories come flooding...filling us with a little ache of longing....of even sometimes a bittersweet feeling! sometimes we dont always understand our loved ones...we might know them well...but all of us have hidden recesses deep in our soul....but when moments like this happen ....a clarity of the why and how is granted us.
i asked my friend a couple of times ...if he was ok! but he reallly wanted to wrap that moment around him like a blanket and disappear into its sensations....well nothing lasts forever and he eventually returned to us as we left the place....we sensed the presense no longer "he" had disappeared into the folds of the unknown from where "he" had come ....perhaps at the beckoning of a brother's heart.
dahlin boy ...we miss you as another year of your passing remembers you.....we love you ! for in death we grant you our unconditional love....keep visiting us!
i know iam not a top class writer but like all good or bad writers....our deepest longing is to put in words, emotions, feelings, point of views, colours , textures.....we are artist 's of a kind only our medium is words.....sometimes we are voyuers into life and people, we cannot help...plagarising from life...from stealing perhaps that which we have no rightful claim. so forgive me if i am treading on sacred ground but something is compelling me to write......could it be deep down a need never to forget somebody who is close to ones heart! i dont know...........
anyway...each of us reacted differently to the said presence......i recollected "him" with fond thoughts, one of us, become very sensitive to the other person and tried to be normal and give space to the person who was effected the most by" him"....why wouldnt he ....afterall can one truly ever forget ones sibling.....instantly a change came over my friend .....he became subdued ,everything took on a different meaning....my friends eyes reflected shades of grief, loss and a heartwrenching longing that he would give anything to recall the presence to life.....his eyes hungrily devoured the million wares displayed as if looking on these things would bring back something that the other had seen.....but in a way my friend did...he connected with "him".....it was a shared understanding ....and in that silence they were together! we all do that when a person we love goes away and we miss them, if we happen to visit a fave haunt....all the memories come flooding...filling us with a little ache of longing....of even sometimes a bittersweet feeling! sometimes we dont always understand our loved ones...we might know them well...but all of us have hidden recesses deep in our soul....but when moments like this happen ....a clarity of the why and how is granted us.
i asked my friend a couple of times ...if he was ok! but he reallly wanted to wrap that moment around him like a blanket and disappear into its sensations....well nothing lasts forever and he eventually returned to us as we left the place....we sensed the presense no longer "he" had disappeared into the folds of the unknown from where "he" had come ....perhaps at the beckoning of a brother's heart.
dahlin boy ...we miss you as another year of your passing remembers you.....we love you ! for in death we grant you our unconditional love....keep visiting us!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Hello sunshine!
Joshua has to wake up at 5.30 am everyday to catch the school bus on time......ever since jan this year.....i hear the alarm go off..i hear hubby shuffle outta bed.....i mumble something to the effect like.....tomoro i will send josh to school and plonk right back into bed....only when deep is outta town i have been forced to wake up and drop josh....which for some weird reason i was finding hard to do...i wake up at 4-4.30 am no prob....6.00am no prob....but 5.30 am had become my time to go into my deep sleep pattern.......so everyday hubby comes home dead tired from work and complains that he is up with the larks and damn tired......everyday i have been telling hubby how sorry iam and definitely tomoro i will drop josh.....hubby just laughs!!!!!
anyway my plan from jan has been to get up in the morning drop off josh at the bustop and start going for walks or atleast bicycle......3 months later....today without a hitch i woke up ....yay! dropped josh off and had a wonderful walk...ya ya you cynics i know what you are thinking lets see how long this lasts.....well iam happy i started and i hope tomoro i will be up with the larks and hopefully this happy and healthy phase continues...send me your good wishes people....i need it!" so here's to you kid!"( kid been moi of coz ha ha ha)
anyway my plan from jan has been to get up in the morning drop off josh at the bustop and start going for walks or atleast bicycle......3 months later....today without a hitch i woke up ....yay! dropped josh off and had a wonderful walk...ya ya you cynics i know what you are thinking lets see how long this lasts.....well iam happy i started and i hope tomoro i will be up with the larks and hopefully this happy and healthy phase continues...send me your good wishes people....i need it!" so here's to you kid!"( kid been moi of coz ha ha ha)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Josh celebrates another year!
Joshua was born on 6th march 2002 @ 1.22 pm! the moment they plonked him on me
funnily nothing of the ma ki mamta bit happened...i was not one of those johnson baby advert mothers
who wept with tears of joys...nope not me....but the feeling did creep up unnoticed in the days following his birth
i remember when he was born , deep kept saying he looked like me...i thought what he meant was he's ugly...boy was i wrong! in fact i didnt recognise josh when they had bathed him and finally bought him to the room, i told the nurse
this was not my baby...the nursed panicked , but luckily , his name tag confirmed him as mine and he had the marks of the forceps on his face alrite.....he was beautiful....everyone thought he was Eurasian! which not far from the truth in a way, as both deep and me come from different races...he's aryan while iam a dravidian!
well, it goes without saying as a first time parent everything seemed difficult and wonderful...and i must admit that deep and me had the most marvellous time bringing up josh....josh by comparision to any child is an easy child by nature...i have never saw him scream or shout or throw a tantrum , yes from time to time he behaved badly thats coz he always was and is a hyper child, uber active and carefree! but with him i had my fair share of probs....the fact that he never eats....now he is better but that is in comparision to his non- eating days...he suffers from allergies and is a bit on the delicate side...the worst trait of all is he never goes to bed early...i think for a person who needed 8 hours of sleep i was turned into a sleepless zombie.
honestly after joash the brat was born i realised i had a veritable angel and i never appreciated it! after 5 years of stardom ,josh was dethroned and of coz he felt it and acted up and of coz going to school and picking up bad habits were bound to happen...but nontheless...josh is the best child anybody can ask for.....he's smart ,goodlooking, intelligent, friendly and clean...but what appeals the most to me about him is his nature...he is very loving! i feels that's very important....alongside with character.
As my first born and only child and companion in a new country for ages...josh will always be special, i believe each child is special to a parent in different ways...so is the case with josh...and hard as it is to admit...but josh has always been he's daddy's boy...it was bound to happen!
I think we forget so many things that our children do as kids but some memories remain etched in memory, one such incident is...when i was expecting joey, i was suffering from terrible nausea and one day when i was throwing up in the toilet bowl, i felt a tiny hand rubbing my backing saying are you ok mummmy! nobody taught him to do that...even in my sick state i couldnt help feeling touched...there was nobody to take care of him as deep used to travel a lot! he learned to bathed himself ,feed himself and generally was such an angel...and today my angel who was a baby yesterday....has turned 7 years old and has spelling tests! gosh when did that happen??? anyway i am Thankful to God for my sweetheart! and pray for God's blessings on him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY joshy! I love you! no matter what you will always be my no 1 guy! loads of kisses and hugs!
funnily nothing of the ma ki mamta bit happened...i was not one of those johnson baby advert mothers
who wept with tears of joys...nope not me....but the feeling did creep up unnoticed in the days following his birth
i remember when he was born , deep kept saying he looked like me...i thought what he meant was he's ugly...boy was i wrong! in fact i didnt recognise josh when they had bathed him and finally bought him to the room, i told the nurse
this was not my baby...the nursed panicked , but luckily , his name tag confirmed him as mine and he had the marks of the forceps on his face alrite.....he was beautiful....everyone thought he was Eurasian! which not far from the truth in a way, as both deep and me come from different races...he's aryan while iam a dravidian!
well, it goes without saying as a first time parent everything seemed difficult and wonderful...and i must admit that deep and me had the most marvellous time bringing up josh....josh by comparision to any child is an easy child by nature...i have never saw him scream or shout or throw a tantrum , yes from time to time he behaved badly thats coz he always was and is a hyper child, uber active and carefree! but with him i had my fair share of probs....the fact that he never eats....now he is better but that is in comparision to his non- eating days...he suffers from allergies and is a bit on the delicate side...the worst trait of all is he never goes to bed early...i think for a person who needed 8 hours of sleep i was turned into a sleepless zombie.
honestly after joash the brat was born i realised i had a veritable angel and i never appreciated it! after 5 years of stardom ,josh was dethroned and of coz he felt it and acted up and of coz going to school and picking up bad habits were bound to happen...but nontheless...josh is the best child anybody can ask for.....he's smart ,goodlooking, intelligent, friendly and clean...but what appeals the most to me about him is his nature...he is very loving! i feels that's very important....alongside with character.
As my first born and only child and companion in a new country for ages...josh will always be special, i believe each child is special to a parent in different ways...so is the case with josh...and hard as it is to admit...but josh has always been he's daddy's boy...it was bound to happen!
I think we forget so many things that our children do as kids but some memories remain etched in memory, one such incident is...when i was expecting joey, i was suffering from terrible nausea and one day when i was throwing up in the toilet bowl, i felt a tiny hand rubbing my backing saying are you ok mummmy! nobody taught him to do that...even in my sick state i couldnt help feeling touched...there was nobody to take care of him as deep used to travel a lot! he learned to bathed himself ,feed himself and generally was such an angel...and today my angel who was a baby yesterday....has turned 7 years old and has spelling tests! gosh when did that happen??? anyway i am Thankful to God for my sweetheart! and pray for God's blessings on him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY joshy! I love you! no matter what you will always be my no 1 guy! loads of kisses and hugs!
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