Tomorow is my last day to hit town , go out, meet up with friends for that matter do anything from 9 am to 7 pm.
Tess short for teresa my part-time helper......who started to help me out for a couple of hours everyday for the last few months and who by the way was supposed to start working this month for the entire day.......has thrown a spanner in the works literally.....she was to learn to help me with the kids as i was going to start my chef course this coming april......but alas it is not to be ...my dreams have been dashed to smithreens.....well i cant join for another year by then God know what other things will befall me i dont know!
Tess's hubby fell very sick and had to be hospitalised...the diagnoses is not yet out but,they suspect '' LUNG CANCER" how is a human supposed to be mad at anyone......tess and hubby planning to move back home ...so that her hubby can die peacefully in their home country "Philipines".
I understand her pain ...i feel the hopelessness, the fear at death's door, how will she face being strong alone......how does one deal with a loved one dying and suffering slowly.....how strong does she have to be???? how does one live knowing they have to deal with life after your so called jeevan sathi leaves before your life is far from done! horror.....she comes to work daily coz she needs the money......she's been here from the last 2 days and tomorow will be her last full day , at my place , she will come from time to time to clean my place till she leaves...but she seems to be a ghost.
iam so down for her but honestly as a human i suck for i cant seem to deal with the deathblow of having to wait another year...the disappoint has been too much to bear.......add to that the truth that i have to deal with two active boys with different needs, one has studies while the other has to be potty trained and deal with cleaning, moping, cooking and everything in between....i find myself depressed......after 9 years of staying at home with children under the age of 7 , in a foreign land without a break and family .......one wishes to weep!
my upstairs friend always begrudges me tess and secretly hates that i have help...why do people envy me......i deserved tess....but nothing this good could last i guess!
last friday when tess broke the news....i cried in the balcony ,i dressed hurriedly and left the house i didnt know what to do......for the first time in my life i went for a movie " The Reader" alone....after the movie i wandered aimlessly in the mall hoping that the clock would stop ticking .....but it didnt! i spent the rest of the time in my fave bookstore, i purchased the first book that looked beautiful imagine that ......me jaya naomi ...purchased a book without reading what it was about.....its called " Beautiful blue death" ironical eh!?
yesterday i pretended to be normal but what i did was stuff my face, oil my hair and every few mins checked my facebook or gmail accounts as if they would reveal a remedy for an ailing heart.
Today i couldnt bare wasting precious mins i dashed off and met dhanam akka ...who i was meeting literally after a year....came home cooked and then called hubby and dashed to the library for tess.... and now i face a single day of freedom and i dont know what to do with it.....lydia asked to come over maybe i will go or maybe i will go and catch "Doubt"........but what i would really like is to go to Vijayleela apartment and chill with my friend and listen to her family chatter over chai in their non-stop oriya .....a language which i know nothing of except the single word "Bappi"
but i know my TESS OF DEE\ APS did not believe me when i said if wishes where money i would be with her! i didnt even need her to share or talk ,even her silence would be welcome. i miss her, i miss the ole gauva tree where i grew up , i miss the stonewalled parapet where as a teenager i fought with ups and downs.....i wish deep would take off tomoro and make me feel ok.
Sadly my friend is right......life is not like fiction.....one cannot escape real life but fiction might help us forget it for a moment. I believe tomorow will be a better day ......but for today i will grieve my dreams and my disappointment.....for nothing lasts forever , not happiness nor sadness!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
remembrance.
This one i owe to you, appu. Dad and i are pretty close , i am sure if you ask my sis she will tell the same , in fact if you ask my bro i guess he would say the same too......thats coz my dad is that kinda dad....the best kind....iam not sure if he ever scored great points for being a good husband....but as a a dad ....he still is no 1 , according to me anyway.
My mom complains that when i was a couple of weeks ole .....he asked our driver to take pictures of him with the baby( me) and never woke up my mom.....i think she still holds it against him.....but me...iam secretly thrilled that he took time to bond with me...it was the start of a wonderful relationship......anyway i wanted to write down a particular incident which was brought back to memory by what my friend said about her dad.
This was days before i got married ......i was still doing my masters at that time and my head was full of term papers ....booklist to go thru and innumerable seminars to prepare for, and to top that i was having the heebiesjeebies at the prospect of my impending wedding......starting a new life ,in a new country plus juggling the last few months before i completed my masters....it was a harrowing time.....i even remember i actually went to uni oneday without having prepared my seminar and i went up to speak and started faltering.......I think my prof actually thought i had lost it......quel horror!
anyway.....a funny thing started to happen at night...at first i was very annoyed...but then i realised that this is what real love is all about......iam a light sleeper and after tossing and turning over a miillion things i would fall asleep only to find somebody moving in my room at night.....it was my mom trying to sleep on the floor near my bed.....she would keep me awake with her tossing and turning and sometimes after i yelled at her she would go back to her bedroom or to the sofa in the room next to mine.....this went on the whole month before i got married.......and then after all these nighttime shenanigans .....i wud see my dad staring at me in the early morning hours standing close to my bed.......this happened till the day i got married i always pretended to be fast asleep.....but i did enjoy my dad gazing at me like i was something so special ,that he couldnt bear to part with me!
well, when the time came for my vidaieeeeeeeee.....i cudnt see my mom or dad anywhere....they had quietly left without a word.....i remember crying and telling deep that they didnt even say good bye and they left me with a total stranger.....poor hubby i can only imagine being called a total stranger on the day he became my husband...neverthless i cried that nite n promptly fell asleep.....so much for romantic beginnings....anyway i called my mom and yelled at her in the morning she said she couldnt bear saying goodbye , so they decided to leave quietly. wonder how is feels when child who is part of you everyday , grows up and leaves......heartbreaking!
In the end we all know that we are loved and cherished coz of moments like these....we all encounter true love......whether in the form of a wave from a balcony or a silent visit in the night....love is all around.....miracles happen everday , some one them come in packages called parents.......thanks mom and dad! we love you too!
My mom complains that when i was a couple of weeks ole .....he asked our driver to take pictures of him with the baby( me) and never woke up my mom.....i think she still holds it against him.....but me...iam secretly thrilled that he took time to bond with me...it was the start of a wonderful relationship......anyway i wanted to write down a particular incident which was brought back to memory by what my friend said about her dad.
This was days before i got married ......i was still doing my masters at that time and my head was full of term papers ....booklist to go thru and innumerable seminars to prepare for, and to top that i was having the heebiesjeebies at the prospect of my impending wedding......starting a new life ,in a new country plus juggling the last few months before i completed my masters....it was a harrowing time.....i even remember i actually went to uni oneday without having prepared my seminar and i went up to speak and started faltering.......I think my prof actually thought i had lost it......quel horror!
anyway.....a funny thing started to happen at night...at first i was very annoyed...but then i realised that this is what real love is all about......iam a light sleeper and after tossing and turning over a miillion things i would fall asleep only to find somebody moving in my room at night.....it was my mom trying to sleep on the floor near my bed.....she would keep me awake with her tossing and turning and sometimes after i yelled at her she would go back to her bedroom or to the sofa in the room next to mine.....this went on the whole month before i got married.......and then after all these nighttime shenanigans .....i wud see my dad staring at me in the early morning hours standing close to my bed.......this happened till the day i got married i always pretended to be fast asleep.....but i did enjoy my dad gazing at me like i was something so special ,that he couldnt bear to part with me!
well, when the time came for my vidaieeeeeeeee.....i cudnt see my mom or dad anywhere....they had quietly left without a word.....i remember crying and telling deep that they didnt even say good bye and they left me with a total stranger.....poor hubby i can only imagine being called a total stranger on the day he became my husband...neverthless i cried that nite n promptly fell asleep.....so much for romantic beginnings....anyway i called my mom and yelled at her in the morning she said she couldnt bear saying goodbye , so they decided to leave quietly. wonder how is feels when child who is part of you everyday , grows up and leaves......heartbreaking!
In the end we all know that we are loved and cherished coz of moments like these....we all encounter true love......whether in the form of a wave from a balcony or a silent visit in the night....love is all around.....miracles happen everday , some one them come in packages called parents.......thanks mom and dad! we love you too!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
In love.
This moment got registered in my mind perhaps 2 years ago......i've been meaning to write a short story about it ever since...but fiction and me dont go together, so i thought its time to write it down just as it is.....with no embellishments or frills...but just as it is , sharing my hearts deepest desire......
I dont remember where i was coming from but i definitely remember i was on the MRT( Singapore's equivalent to the newyork subway only that it is faster , cleaner, smarter and way cooler!) and i was doing what most of my friends call...staring at the general public....actually what i term as human watching something akin to birdwatching.....i love observing human behaviour and its honestly done without my knowledge.....
anyway i was indulging in my usual voyeurism into the human pschye when my eyes landed on an elderly couple.....they were sitting close to each other...not in the nasty way couples do nowadays...but in an oldfashion kinda way which is hard for me to describe....the man had his shirt tucked in and was neatly dressed and woman was dressed in a world war 2 kinda way. she had a shopping bag at her feet...just looking at them you wondered how old they were coz when you looked at them you felt such an old world feeling.....they were talking a bit loudly and i think they were discussing about their CPF (Central providend fund) which made me wonder how they managed their lives as they looked very old....anyway as life has a way of suprising you...they got off at Hougang station same as moi.....which for some strange reason i still remember. they slowly made their way out and then they got onto the escalator in front of me......
This is a moment i will never forget.....the woman looked a bit bewildered and scared to step on to the escalator and in true gentlemanly fashion the old man as if this was a dance they always performed gave her his arm which she held onto for dear life...the hubby a step on top supporting each other in their wobbly old age........just marvellous! it restored my faith in humanity, love, family, togetherness like never before and the thought that was floating on the top of my brain was.....awww this is how it should be when i grow old.....a life time spent together with grown children and perhaps even grandchildren....and it all boiled down to simply surviving going up the escalator and having this total dependence and understanding of each other.....it made me feel this is it...this is love....not vulgar and sordid love affairs which people mistake for love......but this was the genuine article no fancy dating , no latest hotpants or makeup on, iam sure when he met her he was no bigshot educated guy.....but i imagine he promised her nothing...but all through their life, the good and the bad..... facing life together.
call me a romantic , a sentimental fool....maybe all i saw was a figment of my imgaination.....but for some reason.....what i felt was the truth...their love was true and forged in real life .
well i've come to the end of sharing this moment which made a deep impact on me and i wish to God.....I will have what this elderly couple share someday.
I dont remember where i was coming from but i definitely remember i was on the MRT( Singapore's equivalent to the newyork subway only that it is faster , cleaner, smarter and way cooler!) and i was doing what most of my friends call...staring at the general public....actually what i term as human watching something akin to birdwatching.....i love observing human behaviour and its honestly done without my knowledge.....
anyway i was indulging in my usual voyeurism into the human pschye when my eyes landed on an elderly couple.....they were sitting close to each other...not in the nasty way couples do nowadays...but in an oldfashion kinda way which is hard for me to describe....the man had his shirt tucked in and was neatly dressed and woman was dressed in a world war 2 kinda way. she had a shopping bag at her feet...just looking at them you wondered how old they were coz when you looked at them you felt such an old world feeling.....they were talking a bit loudly and i think they were discussing about their CPF (Central providend fund) which made me wonder how they managed their lives as they looked very old....anyway as life has a way of suprising you...they got off at Hougang station same as moi.....which for some strange reason i still remember. they slowly made their way out and then they got onto the escalator in front of me......
This is a moment i will never forget.....the woman looked a bit bewildered and scared to step on to the escalator and in true gentlemanly fashion the old man as if this was a dance they always performed gave her his arm which she held onto for dear life...the hubby a step on top supporting each other in their wobbly old age........just marvellous! it restored my faith in humanity, love, family, togetherness like never before and the thought that was floating on the top of my brain was.....awww this is how it should be when i grow old.....a life time spent together with grown children and perhaps even grandchildren....and it all boiled down to simply surviving going up the escalator and having this total dependence and understanding of each other.....it made me feel this is it...this is love....not vulgar and sordid love affairs which people mistake for love......but this was the genuine article no fancy dating , no latest hotpants or makeup on, iam sure when he met her he was no bigshot educated guy.....but i imagine he promised her nothing...but all through their life, the good and the bad..... facing life together.
call me a romantic , a sentimental fool....maybe all i saw was a figment of my imgaination.....but for some reason.....what i felt was the truth...their love was true and forged in real life .
well i've come to the end of sharing this moment which made a deep impact on me and i wish to God.....I will have what this elderly couple share someday.
Thought of the day!
Yep its one of those things i always wanted to do be the sayer of sayings...here goes one " one has to pull their diehard positive spirit out of hibernation" aparna das.
well thats all for now......this kinda thing i call sayings from the common man.......have a positive day ahead.....ta da or is it ta ta.....anyway its one one them if you got the gist!
byeeeeeee
psssssst i promise this nonsensical phase will pass...iam just warming up for bigger and greater divine writing.....i promise this is leading upto something good ....be patient my good readers!
well thats all for now......this kinda thing i call sayings from the common man.......have a positive day ahead.....ta da or is it ta ta.....anyway its one one them if you got the gist!
byeeeeeee
psssssst i promise this nonsensical phase will pass...iam just warming up for bigger and greater divine writing.....i promise this is leading upto something good ....be patient my good readers!
Diehard romantic!
The last couple of days has seen me a desperate movie watcher........instead of recharging my already dead batteries with a well deserved and much needed nap.....when i find both the kids sleeping at the same time ....i cant resist doing something and since i cant getaway ....i watch movies.....yes my dahlins they are the mushiest and girliest ones evea...(thanks to my sister who is the owner of the said collection) ..... since she passed on a whole bunch of them......i've become the admirer of the corniest lines the sentimental fool in me secretly enjoys the teary bits.......
Well the side of me that is all artsy fartsy protests.....but to hell.....now and then i will indulge and you snooty art movie watchers may go and take a @$##.......whatever that is........
The movie "Australia" left me with the line" if love aint in your heart then you got nothing"....to Nothing hill's " there are people who do grow old together"......not to mention a hundred other such lines have left me craving for romance......hope to find some too.....not a bad wish eh! well heres to some romance dripping movie watching in the days to come! cheers
Well the side of me that is all artsy fartsy protests.....but to hell.....now and then i will indulge and you snooty art movie watchers may go and take a @$##.......whatever that is........
The movie "Australia" left me with the line" if love aint in your heart then you got nothing"....to Nothing hill's " there are people who do grow old together"......not to mention a hundred other such lines have left me craving for romance......hope to find some too.....not a bad wish eh! well heres to some romance dripping movie watching in the days to come! cheers
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Steaming off!
I know that i promised myself way before new years that i would do some quality writing .....but who was i kidding...the moment i start to think such lofty stuff....i get hit by a bad case of writers block.....
while iam travelling on the train or just washing the dishes my mind is assailed by a million ideas and even short stories ...but by the time i manage to get to my blog...inspiration runs dry and i find myself toooo tired or i've completely forgotten that wonderful thought......
so unlike many other optimistic people ....who get all gooey and mushy at new years...i 've decided to go the opposite way and do nothing great or make no big plans or resolutions and maybe...things will happen....so here's to reverse psychology......everyday from henceforth i commit myself to writing utter gibberish and perhaps posthumously i will be read as one of the greats and go down in the annals of history as a history maker( well i did warn you it would be utter nonsense)
so holding on to that thought....today i was very touched by something i saw on the telly.....a daugther who wonders if she actually belongs to her family as she finds no similarities asks her father.....why she is so different...she says " daddy i even drive fast unlike you...you never even touch the speed limit.....her dad replies and says who says i drive slow......i only drive slow coz you are in the car" for some reason i was touched!!! must be that father dotter thingy that gets me each time! well on that totally unrelated note ....i bid you adieu and say see ya tomorrow.
psssst ....hopefully some sleep will clear my head.......nite nite!
while iam travelling on the train or just washing the dishes my mind is assailed by a million ideas and even short stories ...but by the time i manage to get to my blog...inspiration runs dry and i find myself toooo tired or i've completely forgotten that wonderful thought......
so unlike many other optimistic people ....who get all gooey and mushy at new years...i 've decided to go the opposite way and do nothing great or make no big plans or resolutions and maybe...things will happen....so here's to reverse psychology......everyday from henceforth i commit myself to writing utter gibberish and perhaps posthumously i will be read as one of the greats and go down in the annals of history as a history maker( well i did warn you it would be utter nonsense)
so holding on to that thought....today i was very touched by something i saw on the telly.....a daugther who wonders if she actually belongs to her family as she finds no similarities asks her father.....why she is so different...she says " daddy i even drive fast unlike you...you never even touch the speed limit.....her dad replies and says who says i drive slow......i only drive slow coz you are in the car" for some reason i was touched!!! must be that father dotter thingy that gets me each time! well on that totally unrelated note ....i bid you adieu and say see ya tomorrow.
psssst ....hopefully some sleep will clear my head.......nite nite!
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