Tomorow is my last day to hit town , go out, meet up with friends for that matter do anything from 9 am to 7 pm.
Tess short for teresa my part-time helper......who started to help me out for a couple of hours everyday for the last few months and who by the way was supposed to start working this month for the entire day.......has thrown a spanner in the works literally.....she was to learn to help me with the kids as i was going to start my chef course this coming april......but alas it is not to be ...my dreams have been dashed to smithreens.....well i cant join for another year by then God know what other things will befall me i dont know!
Tess's hubby fell very sick and had to be hospitalised...the diagnoses is not yet out but,they suspect '' LUNG CANCER" how is a human supposed to be mad at anyone......tess and hubby planning to move back home ...so that her hubby can die peacefully in their home country "Philipines".
I understand her pain ...i feel the hopelessness, the fear at death's door, how will she face being strong alone......how does one deal with a loved one dying and suffering slowly.....how strong does she have to be???? how does one live knowing they have to deal with life after your so called jeevan sathi leaves before your life is far from done! horror.....she comes to work daily coz she needs the money......she's been here from the last 2 days and tomorow will be her last full day , at my place , she will come from time to time to clean my place till she leaves...but she seems to be a ghost.
iam so down for her but honestly as a human i suck for i cant seem to deal with the deathblow of having to wait another year...the disappoint has been too much to bear.......add to that the truth that i have to deal with two active boys with different needs, one has studies while the other has to be potty trained and deal with cleaning, moping, cooking and everything in between....i find myself depressed......after 9 years of staying at home with children under the age of 7 , in a foreign land without a break and family .......one wishes to weep!
my upstairs friend always begrudges me tess and secretly hates that i have help...why do people envy me......i deserved tess....but nothing this good could last i guess!
last friday when tess broke the news....i cried in the balcony ,i dressed hurriedly and left the house i didnt know what to do......for the first time in my life i went for a movie " The Reader" alone....after the movie i wandered aimlessly in the mall hoping that the clock would stop ticking .....but it didnt! i spent the rest of the time in my fave bookstore, i purchased the first book that looked beautiful imagine that ......me jaya naomi ...purchased a book without reading what it was about.....its called " Beautiful blue death" ironical eh!?
yesterday i pretended to be normal but what i did was stuff my face, oil my hair and every few mins checked my facebook or gmail accounts as if they would reveal a remedy for an ailing heart.
Today i couldnt bare wasting precious mins i dashed off and met dhanam akka ...who i was meeting literally after a year....came home cooked and then called hubby and dashed to the library for tess.... and now i face a single day of freedom and i dont know what to do with it.....lydia asked to come over maybe i will go or maybe i will go and catch "Doubt"........but what i would really like is to go to Vijayleela apartment and chill with my friend and listen to her family chatter over chai in their non-stop oriya .....a language which i know nothing of except the single word "Bappi"
but i know my TESS OF DEE\ APS did not believe me when i said if wishes where money i would be with her! i didnt even need her to share or talk ,even her silence would be welcome. i miss her, i miss the ole gauva tree where i grew up , i miss the stonewalled parapet where as a teenager i fought with ups and downs.....i wish deep would take off tomoro and make me feel ok.
Sadly my friend is right......life is not like fiction.....one cannot escape real life but fiction might help us forget it for a moment. I believe tomorow will be a better day ......but for today i will grieve my dreams and my disappointment.....for nothing lasts forever , not happiness nor sadness!
3 comments:
i thought i left my thoughts with this post. I came back here today and saw, I didn't. Seems like my imagination was at play, yet again. baby, i cant say I can understand. No one can really understand someone else's pains, restlessness, anxiety and sadness. Its left with u to cope and come out of it. And I know by now u are already chalking plans of how u can get a new Tess and train her and get ur freedom back. U rock gal, u have been more than just an awesome mum and wife to your kids and deep. what u've done, few do. i wouldnt have. I dont have your kind of patience and love in me. U've been my muse for many a thing, so now when u sound so down and out, I dont know where to look and draw my strenght from. All will be good. I promise. I can't even begin to imagine what tess must be going through. Give her my love.
thanks for the support thats all i ask actually...today i feel stronger......God has made human beings with such resilience that....sometimes iam blown away by the amount of stuff a person can take and well since humans cant help but deal with the cards they are dealt with they just carry on and emerge stronger or fall apart ....think i belong to the fighter side of the ring...so pleease write babe! i daily look forward to your thoughts everyday...you rock too babe!
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