Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The circle.

Empty spaces echo in heart and hearth
charity is an illness and has no cure
staying,yet leaving only in the mind's window
knowing,debating and minding
Oh minding endlessless,like a dog after its tail.
escape the tedious waiting....oh the waiting
ceaslessly in the mind's labyrinth
waiting, waiting never resolving
never leaving,never changing.
charity is an illness and has no cure.

Perspective.

I live in Singapore....the land of progress and every thing new. It is a so called developing/ developed countries in Asia.
Most of the families here have both the husband and wife working and so most of these couples need somebody at home to clean-up ,cook and take care of the children....so having a full-time maid is quiet common...expensive but a necessicity one cannot do without. These maids come from poor countries like Philipines, Srilanka and mostly from Indonesia.....their salaries are low but when they send their money home it helps stave off the debtors and keeps them from starving....so these women leave their families and children and come working far from home and do their duty to their families.

Here is a true incident i encountered , My friend S has a srilankan maid.....we call her Nanny.....she has 3 grown children and her youngest was about to get married.she was heading home to attend it . every 2 years the Maids get their 1 month homeleave. i was visiting my friend S and i saw that Nanny was very excited and happy, as always i asked after her health and family and she beamed at me and told me the good news of her daugthers impending nuptials....i was happy for her....she then ran into the room she shares with the daugther of the house and began to show me the white sari she bought for the wedding ceremony and the peach one for the reception to follow.....It was lovely! the sarees where not expensive but simple and sweet and i was happy for her.
i then returned to my conversation with my friend and i saw nanny leave the house and come back an hour later with a truckload full of newspaper i asked my friend what does she want with all the stuff......S explained that Nanny had collected and bought many things for her family over the past two years....clothes old and new, glass bowls, milk powder, soaps etc to give to all her family members when she went home and she would be wrapping all those things with the newspaper....i was a bit taken aback and said i didnt think the Airlines would allow so such luggage.....Nanny laughed and bid me to follow her....in her room stood a container which covered the entire room...she said she would be shipping it back ...so that by the time she reached the container would be docked at a port near her home town for collection......she beamed at me like Santa claus .she told me magazines and newspaper were hard to buy for the poor people of their war ravaged country and so when they unwrapped the goodies inside they could read the articles on the newspaper wrappings......boy was i blown away!!!! i was speechless!!! touched beyond words! and ashamed at my wonderful life and i had the nerve to be dissatisfied with it!!!! i felt ashamed at the luxurious way i lived and turned my head upwards and Thanked God that i was born into a good family.
I have never seen Nanny sad.....she accepted her life and never gave up on hoping for the best for her kids ....by working hard her kids have good jobs and are well settled the youngest is now a trained midwife and recently i heard expecting her first baby......Nanny you amaze me!
i think i've written and said enough! i think this puts things in perspective!
Dont you think?!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Book zone.

If you were to ask me what is the one thing you cannot do without my answer would be BOOKS .
From the time i was a kid and i mean really little i've read books and like the character in " To kill a mocking bird" nobody taught me or my sis to read we were born reading, its true!!!and believe me that is not a sign of a genius but a true blue blooded book lover!

My dad tells me his father had a library at home and they were poor folks and read by hurricane lamps !!! so i guess it runs in the blood....my fathers sis is a literature prof and i've even seen her Mphil dissertation which i helped at one point prove read! lofty eh! i remember one day she took me to see her guide at some university too young to remember which one and left me in the library while she had a talk with him......i think that was the best thing that happened to me......the library was mammoth and given my size iam sure it looked even more impressive.....but what i love the most was the smell...no dont worry iam not ga ga yet....but really i love the smell of books they turn me on so to speak......those days books meant kiddy stories and all the classics...i didnt know about Foucault and Trisham shandy.....but i remember choosing a load full of books and taking them to a cubicle and just touching the leather bound books and smelling them and looking at the words.....just sitting there made me feel intellectual!!!!

My fate was sealed that day i decided that i would want to do literature when the time came.....and i did it and i enjoyed it! iam not one of those really deeply crazy philosophical types that wear specks and reads aristotle for breakfast no no iam not so highbrow folks...iam more the fiction type....just to clarify and to also let you know iam not boring either!

Anyway, though i have days when i cant read which happens from time to time...i still have a book around me otherwise i cant sleep or even visit the loo...atleast a page or two and then there are manic days when the world ceases to spin i dont know whats happening and i get into the book zone.....sleep is lost.....daily chores are unbearable and the telephone becomes a pest.....i devour books !!! from last week or more i've gotten into that mode! facebook is something i forget..people i avoid and hubby's coming home late is not bad at all!
I've read "The bookthief" " Harry potter and the Deathly hallows" again while reading " Pride and Prejudice" at the same time and the moment reading " The time travellers wife"....also i confess to reading some light hearted trash by some author whose name i cant even remember....but iam coming out of the zone now coz i can focus on other stuff and even checked the papers for any interesting movies and iam blogging again albeit inane stuff.....i also think the reason i am coming out of the zone is tess( my part time helper) ...its her last day today and i wont be seeing her for a month.....so cant afford to be "lost planet".....but i enjoyed every moment....cant wait for the next crazy book zone session!!!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Your value???

Recently i found myself asking the question ,what is my value??? In a fallen world where people judge themselves by their bank balance, the kind of house they live in, what car they drive. what is their ranking and current salary....how many perks are attached to their job portfolio...people are even judged by the phone they carry. their branded clothes...heck even the schools their kids are attending .....how many vacations they have taken......kids parties are places where one parent is trying to outdo the other with the kinds of themes and cakes and goody bags they have given out.......boy i could write lists on this kind of comparsion and lifestyle......
people only feel they have made it! if they measure upto these materialistic symbols.....its a sad day for folk like me ...when all they've got is the number of years we've clocked in and no visible signs of all the hardwork they've accomplished.
people say empty crap like...oh you've done such a good job of raising the kids and how wonderfully you hosted the party you've thrown! some of my friends go as far as telling me...how great you get to chill at home and check your facebook account everyday!!!! boy did that hurt!!!
suddenly i felt like crap...felt like what rot hubby better pay me a salary.....next shopping trip iam gonna shop guilt free ...i mean i deserved all the stuff afterall.....or dont i???
hell i started to feel horrible .....i started to feel regret that i wasted so many years at home doing nothing but change diapers and wash dishes....where is my job satisfaction???...and so the list went on till my head was spinning with self-doubt, million justifications for my said unproductivity and i even worried about my market value .....no experience....no degrees...hell i dont remember even owing a C.V ......i was like totally mind-f------!!!!!
I was about to weep in despair and felt a totally shattered self-worth......but as always i remembered something that somebody told me years ago..its found in the Bible it said something to the effect that" Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart"
In a moment i felt all better...i felt nobody has the right to judge me and even if they do....i dont care my heart is in the right place.....i know my worth and so does God ....so the rest can do or not do anythingelse.....iam at peace with who iam and what i do! iam afterall human and if somebody told me they appreciated me and what i do.....i would be on cloud 9 !!!!!
but really what's my worth??? at this point i dont really care!!! coz iam invaluable and priceless!
so three cheers for moi...hip hip hurrah!

Friday, March 20, 2009

A mango and a Fall!

kavya and siri were upto to their usual pranks....afterall it was the summer vacation and school and homework were a distant memory for the next month or so.
Every morning their mother would nag them for a good hour before either of them would stir from their slumber....
but during the summer holidays they were up with the larks....begging for breakfast and waiting for appa (dad) to leave for work....they would fidget and irritate each other till they saw their father put on his shoes and take out the umbrella from the stand and shout out that he was leaving for work and that he would be back... supersitious like all Indians they dare not say iam going but always added the required i will be coming back!

They would hang onto the gate and wave at their father till he turned the corner of their street....with appa out of sight ,the sisters lost no time in giving a big whoopee of joy and dashing off to gather the rest of their friends and the whole morning would be spent in delightful games...

anyway , today was different for some reason they found themselves with only each others company....they began playing amicably till the bickering started....just as they had thought they would start fighting in all earnest.....the snooty girl (sony) who lived upstairs who was always showing off her expensive toys (which by the way she would never share) joined them!
kavya and siri's eyes immediately alighted on the huge juicy yellow mango in her hands!
kavya the eldest couldnt contain herself and asked sony if she would be eating the mango all by herself.....about to answer in the affirmative, sony one of those devious kids one finds in every neighbour , said would give kavya the mango on the condition that she jump off the roof of their 2 storied building!!! one thing kavya couldnt resist was a dare.....siri being the youngest seeing the glint in her sister's eyes knew that her mad sis was about to take up the challenge....so she tried to intervene and tell sony that they didnt want her rotten mango anyway.....but kavya hushed her sister and dashed up the stairs to jump off the roof. sony who thought she was a smartass started to panic....her plan was going awry and a hint of a canning she would get if kavya really took up the challenge loomed large in her mind.
siri knowing kavya started the usual tattletale story of chechi ( elder sister)if you dont come down i will go and call amma( mother) NOW!
Looking up the girls spotted kavya on top of the roof....without a single glimmer of hesitation she leaped off the building to the horror of the young girls down below..............there was a lot of screaming and the next thing they heard was a loud thud as kavya landed on the ground at their feet and then there was silence not even waiting to see if her sis was alright siri took off to get her amma and all this while sony was screaming kavya's dead , kavya's dead!!!!!!

when siri and her mom came running , they found a winded but uninjured kavya trying to stand up while dusting her skirt at the sametime ,she was moaning in pain! her mother both relieved and angry didnt know what to say and demanded the whole story ! The mother held onto kavya's ear and told her she would be learning her lesson soon enough ....she informed the girls "wait till appa comes home ...surely your goose will be cooked"!

Leading the girls inside their mother turned to tell sony that she had been a very bad girl! kavya was quiet throughout the reprimanding suddenly burst out saying i mean iam gonna get punished anyway but can i have my "mango please"! afterall i did jump didnt i?! everybody was flabbergasted...but today years later it only brings out good memories and laughter !!!!

p.s: Fiction.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Proud mama!











Honestly speaking i always thought i was one of those cool mom's who love their children to death regardless of how they fare in life!

To a certain extent i think iam right about myself, i know that no matter what my kids do in life...whether they are successful or not,my love for them will remain strong.....in fact i hear and believe to be true that mothers are always protective and anxious about the weaker child.

Anyway, personally i've seen too many parents who are parital to the most successful of their children and show some amount of dissappointment or disapproval of a child that doesnt do well!

i think that is a very unfair and cruel way of thinking as you destroy the self-esteem of the child who for various reasons or standards set by this world are unable to make it!

I've also seen parents ,who are never satisfied no matter what their kids do and push the kids to do stuff they were not meant to do ...its a high pressure situation as the child is doing things to please the parent and win their approval.

Of course there is also the indifferent and neglectful parent who does nothing and ruin their children's chances and potential to make it in this world.

I know there is no perfect parent as sometimes i see joshua and joash unhappy with me..josh at times feels that mummy is too strict and hard on him, and joash of course wants a free reign to create mayhem.....i have to remind myself that iam the parent and though i want to be their friend too....as many books tell me i have to get real...as this is not the age or stage for that kinda parenting given that my kids are too young!

I see parents ( also me) making the kids join this class or another all with good intentions...which parent wouldnt like to see their kids shine? also in singapore where i live there is a lot of pressure on kids to do well n they r stressed out!!!! i believe certain amount of pressure is necessary to push children to do well ...i meant josh wouldnt want to read if i never made that a good habit!

sometimes we also lose sight that we need to try something different or another mode of teaching to help ,every child is different dont i know that josh and joey are chalk n cheese.....the same stuff i used on josh seems to produce no effect on joash.....anyway the thing is i also want to praise my child when he does something good even if it is something small......this friday at sports day joshua did well...his team won the gold for baton relay running...we didnt even know he was participating .....it was a happy day for me....josh has always been a hyperactive child and he is also very fast at running away !!!they say that boys generally are more active but in josh's case a tad bit more than usual......finally we have found a way to channel his unending restlessness....and i say Josh,mum n dad are real proud!!! keep up the good work!

i dont know why i wrote this longwinded treatise on parenting that was not my intention but i am sure it was meanttobe...so dont throw stuff at me...iam no expert......just a mom yabbering her stuff!

In memorium!

We were walking around the three of us ! a new place for all of us......one couple and i was the only one person who was crowding the unholy trinity....but the moment we stepped onto this place we found that we were not 3 people anymore,there was a strong presence of another person....yes we couldnt see "him" but he was there alright! we all sensed "him", how couldnt we...the place we visited was raved about and was the said person's favourite place as a young chap ....he had explored its beauty and treasures alone.

i know iam not a top class writer but like all good or bad writers....our deepest longing is to put in words, emotions, feelings, point of views, colours , textures.....we are artist 's of a kind only our medium is words.....sometimes we are voyuers into life and people, we cannot help...plagarising from life...from stealing perhaps that which we have no rightful claim. so forgive me if i am treading on sacred ground but something is compelling me to write......could it be deep down a need never to forget somebody who is close to ones heart! i dont know...........

anyway...each of us reacted differently to the said presence......i recollected "him" with fond thoughts, one of us, become very sensitive to the other person and tried to be normal and give space to the person who was effected the most by" him"....why wouldnt he ....afterall can one truly ever forget ones sibling.....instantly a change came over my friend .....he became subdued ,everything took on a different meaning....my friends eyes reflected shades of grief, loss and a heartwrenching longing that he would give anything to recall the presence to life.....his eyes hungrily devoured the million wares displayed as if looking on these things would bring back something that the other had seen.....but in a way my friend did...he connected with "him".....it was a shared understanding ....and in that silence they were together! we all do that when a person we love goes away and we miss them, if we happen to visit a fave haunt....all the memories come flooding...filling us with a little ache of longing....of even sometimes a bittersweet feeling! sometimes we dont always understand our loved ones...we might know them well...but all of us have hidden recesses deep in our soul....but when moments like this happen ....a clarity of the why and how is granted us.

i asked my friend a couple of times ...if he was ok! but he reallly wanted to wrap that moment around him like a blanket and disappear into its sensations....well nothing lasts forever and he eventually returned to us as we left the place....we sensed the presense no longer "he" had disappeared into the folds of the unknown from where "he" had come ....perhaps at the beckoning of a brother's heart.
dahlin boy ...we miss you as another year of your passing remembers you.....we love you ! for in death we grant you our unconditional love....keep visiting us!