Fear!

I've been afraid many times in my life, shit scared too. But this time round it gripped my heart with a vice like grip! give me a moment before i explain myself. sometimes i write on this blog vaguely becoz there are things that are too hard to share......so we hid behind doors and only let out the safe stuff but i want to change all that crap of taking time to heal , or hiding it under a deep recess of my mind.

What i share today is something personal ,something real.....believe me when i say iam not doing this for sympathy or any support..... i just want to say it out loud so "Fear will not hold me prisoner but hope will set me free".

Even as i write this i have already overcome part of the fear, i have made peace with the demons inside and am slowly understanding things are not as bad as i first thought or imagined.

So to get to the point joash my youngest is 2 years 7 months and is not talking much which btw is normal for some kids but i was beginning to get scared about some of the things he was doing!!!!

we've been to a doc and a couple of speech therapists and have decided to start him on it! yesterday was his first session and he did good! it was fun actually....so iam hoping that in the coming months my dahlin boy will start rattling off like good ole me.....but this irrational fear follows me around nowadays!!!

so if you pray sometimes or all the time ! just say a prayer for my baby and me !

I told my eldest josh recently that joey his kid bro was not speaking and as we are concerned ,he will be going to speech therapy, so pleez be patient with your baby bro when he bops you on the head instead of saying whats on his mind! i asked him pleez pray for joey ok! and he said ok mummy i will! the very next day instead of buying himself a snack with the money i gave him. he bought his bro a small ball!!! joey was soooooo happy! but i was touched that a 7 year old had his bro on his mind even at school.....i mean just tugs at your heart strings( and you guys know what a sentimental loser iam )

People always say Mom's are strong and i guess they are, but they are vulnerable too and sometimes need a bit of rallying around ! iam not feeling real strong but i feel the strength creeping in my veins slowly and steadily .Its funny how one thinks of themselves in different roles but as of now i just feel like a "mom" all other personas have faded at the moment.

dont know how to end this.....so i will just say i might be overeacting and so on so forth( so dont share this stuff with others!!! special warning to family members!!!)

wow saying things loud always does make things better! Thanks for listening anyway!!!

Gosh its proven i need a head check!

There is no shortcut to saying this but i got a nasty shock a couple of days ago.....a random fellow blogger left me a nasty comment .....well! stupid me immediately went ahead an reacted and wrote an equally childish retort on said person's blog.......what is wrong with me, you say ?!( just the usual) soon after i deleted said msg coz poor me couldnt handle the truth.( ha ha ha !!!!!)

Truth is the chap though equally insane like me did have some home truth's for me...firstly he called me" pathetic" , thinking objectively i guess from his point of view i must have really looked so.....just to clarify i agree with "you"(random blogger) wholeheartedly! secondly he said i was so sick to be indulging in my "pleez love me a little syndrome" that i needed to be locked away......... this i totally well i partially agree with......firstly every person to think about themselves cant be locked away now can they?! i believe healthcare systems are finding it hard to find places in looney bins for the real criminally insane to begin with.....doesnt anyone read the bloody newspapers anymore???? and regards to the fact that i am a bit sad and indulge myself on my own blog ,which btw was the main purpose for its creation, i will continue to beg for love if i want too!!!!

its not like i am asking anybody to send me guns nor iam plotting to start shooting random people at the mall......Even the "Beatles" my fave band in their song say " all you need is love"...so said person back off!!!!

lastly i was accused of being shameless to think of myself when millions of people in this world where suffering and dying and there was more of that stuff.......i mean helloooooooooooo

where did that come from seriously that was unfair and uncalled for.......this is serious i mean my mom would always start off with random stuff like this all the time " did you know that people in somalia are dying of hunger and you refuse to eat your spinach" really i mean i know what she was saying but hell i dont like spinach( i love it now btw and of course iam not a kid anymore either)

Peoples i love the dying masses as much as the next person unless he belonged to the Taliban mindset.

Everytime there is a Tsuanmi or Bomb blast or Earthquake , i equally feel and am angered by the hate and destruction ...... i even do my part in whatever small way i can.......and yes i am not with Doctors without Borders, or an Activist for human rights or a Volunteer at the Red cross. but i care enough ,you random stranger, i care enough to rant and rave and be candid about" my pathetic life" as you put it. so that when i get off my computer i can go back to being sane and a caring and loving mom.....i do my part alright!!!

what this world needs is well adjusted kids and adults ...so if my being home and "trying" to bring up the next generation to be normal bothers you (again random blogger) i am sorry you feel that way! i really dont have to answer to you or anyone......coz like the rest of the world iam just trying!!!!

so you think i need my head examined or a real good kick in the ass for being such a cry baby!!! i agree with you but thanks for the reality check anyway!!!!

About deep ends and year ends.

Two years a ago soon after i turned 30 i plunged into a deep abyss which has lasted for two years and now at age 32, i can finally say that the dark cloud has passed ....my hubby might not agree with me. he might ask me who was that screaming banshee just a couple of weeks ago....this will be my answer " duh ever heard of PMS" so i still get down and i still wish i could strangle a lot of people from time to time but thats just part of the natural cycle of life...not the deep abyss i was talking about....

sometime in 2008 when i escaped to my bosom friend aps place to clear the chaos that my mind couldnt make sense of i wrote down a list (not the insane or silly stuff i post on my blog) but the real one nobody has seen......well as this dark cloud has lifted i have found out that almost 99% of the list has come true and a million of my prayers answered.

i have travelled more times this year than my jetsetting hubby.

Done stuff i never done in my life......got more gifts , surprises good and bad and much much more.

i have made peace with a lot of my inner demons and discovered a load more about myself and others.

iam a person who believes in certain intangible stuff in life.....a couple of years ago no matter what i did i kept bumping into the word " Faith'' i couldnt understand its true meaning....2 years ago i even thought i 'd name my 2nd child Faith if the baby turned out to be a girl....alas i had a boy but you must understand how strong this word was hitting me.....i had no clue that over the last two years how close i came to losing faith in God and mankind.....i was on the brink of giving up on the human race as a whole( no this doesnt mean i wanted to off myself) i now see it was just a reminder that tough times happen and i was to simply to " keep the faith".

Now that i have come back to myself this past year a new word has made its presence felt "HOPE" i am really feeling a whole lot healither inside....my hubby bought me a beautiful delicate necklace for christmas ( shhhh i am not supposed to know of course) but guess what the pendant on it said "HOPE "!!!!!!!!! on a tiny coin both in English and Hindi what are the odds????!!!!

so as the year winds to an end iam full of buck and beans and looking forward to a good year with a grateful heart for all the good and bad stuff coz sometimes its the bad stuff that teaches us who we really are and helps us understand a bit more of life. so here's to Hope !!!!!! and i wish you all a Blessed year ahead!

Sister of my Heart.

Its been a week since my sis left after a month long vacation with me. iam much better now but i was suffering from serious seperation anxiety and depression soon after her departure...which iam sure is normal but this time round i felt her absence keenly. Nins my sis and i have an 18 month age difference , as long as i remember she has always been a round ,we played together ,went to school together ,we shared the same bedroom and wardrobe all our lives....as all siblings do, we had our share of love ,hate and fights.
I've never really been apart from her most of my life apart from the odd stay over at a friend's....in 1999-2000 she left to pursue her higher studies in Australia, i never realised she was going away and life would never be the same ever again, it only struck me at the airport the moment she waved one last time before disappearing, i broke down in the airport and cried like a baby everyone was staring but i didnt give a hoot, just before leaving and giving me the last hug she handed me a letter i dont remember what it said but she did say she loved me.....that was the moment i felt a premonition that life would never be the same.( around the same time aps my best friend left for pune and deep my hubby and then boyfriend was overseas working)
when i went home her bed was stripped naked and her side of the cupboard stood half open revealing its empty shelves, i felt hollow inside and ever so lonely.
My premonition came true the following year i got married and moved to Singapore , my sister missed my wedding but aps stood in for her as my maid of honour. Life was never the same!
over the years we've had holidays and reunions with her.....but this holiday made a big diffrence coz it was a longer holiday than usual and as you must know i live with boys ,i forgot how wonderful hanging out with a girl was like laughing at private jokes, looking at each other with understanding even though no words were uttered, shoppping(iam not a shopper but i got converted coz of her for a while) dressing up to go to dinner,gossiping and catching up on ole friends and dissecting others behaviour....movies , food, music dancing the whole nine yards.....it was a blast.

I miss her a lot! but i know she's a phone call away and we will meet soon! In case she's reading this just wanted you to know. I am glad i have a sister and i am glad its you! Thanks for being around! love you. miss you sleeping beauty!

Sleeping beauty.

Iam a light sleeper.My sis on the other hand is what we Indians call "KUMBHAKARANA"( a character in Indian mythology who sleeps for 6 months and then eat a lot the other 6 months) when it comes around to the sleep factor.
Sleep is next to Godliness in her book. her sleeping patterns are much fodder for family get together jokes. but here's an incident which my father still cannot believe to be true.
Long long time ago in the good ole days ,when i was still in school and reed thin. one day we had to go out for a get together and my sis had an exam the next day and was left behind at home....we asked her to lock up the house from the inside and told her we would be back in no time as an extra measure we locked the house from the outside too.
so dahlin sister in true fairytale fashion was locked in the castle like a good ole princess.
After a couple of hours had passed we all returned home , the lock was opened but my sis had locked the door on the inside....so we rang the bell and waited there was no sound of my sister coming down the staircase....we then yelled up at the bedroom window still no news of the dear girl! having waited ...we the mob kinda got a bit worried and angry too.after hammering on the door and yelling at every window that my sister couldnt possibly ignore ...i was made to climb the chiku tree that leaned against the upstairs open courtyard from which the doors to the bedroom, could be accessed and which were left open most of the time.....so i legged it up the tree over the parapet wall and into the courtyard only to find dahlin sister had locked the doors from the inside i pushed at the door and through the chink could see her lying on the bed a few meters away....so i yelled for her to open the door and banged the door in anger but still no response.....finally i who could put a paper to shame had to pry open the windows to the livingroom slither through the bar which believe me even my skinny son cannot go through...of coz bruising my ribs et all got into the house ...went down the stairs and opened the door.....my Dad who is the most peaceful man i know on earth and who would give a murderer the benefit of the doubt....suddenly saw red...he marched upstairs and woke up Sleeping beauty who from the look of it was sleeping as if only a kiss from a prince could wake her up from the living dead situation. once aroused my dad accused her of being petty and she neednt have pretended to be asleep just coz we had left her alone....for those who know my sister ....who is a cool cucumber if i may say so....just rubbed her eyes sleepily and smiled ...this my father thought was a sure sign that she was feigning it......but truth be told till today she holds out that she was really sleeping!!!!
anyway the reason iam telling you all this is coz my sister who currently lives in Aussieland is coming down for a visit soonish...i called her this morning ( afternoon in downunder) and it was my phone call that woke her up ...i told her she better try waking up early as the time difference would kill her and her sleep cycles once she was here......she laughed said she'd try and i thought " right!!! pigs will fly next"
so sleeping or not iam totally looking forward to the arrival of" Sleeping beauty".hippieeeeeeeee to the reunion of the ya ya sisterhood!
Cant wait to have some female bonding....after being smothered by male company with my bunch of boys....totally looking forward with much anticipation!!! Just cant wait!!!

My to do Check list!

I have delibrately decided to write despite the fact that my grey matter including the remaining goo like matter has oozed out of my brain and i can sense flies or such creatures buzzing in my empty upper storey ....i have come to the important conclusion that i must and will continue blogging despite no topic or idea coming to mind ....simply coz i cant take this writers block anymore......so i convinced myself that i will cook up something and perhaps unlock my dead imagination....so bear with me peoples!

so here goes the list:-

1. i will write marvellous write ups in the near future.
2.i will become a sparkling conversationalist and peoples will flock around to hear
my stuff.
3.i will go to Photography classes and become a wonderful phototaker.
4.i will learn to bake and make a kickass wedding cake with dainty flowers et all.
5.i will get back my posh british accent and just love talking that way though iam sure to annoy a couple of people.
6.i will win the battle of the bulge come what may and get back at some people who have been giving me a pretty bad time.
7.i will continue to salivate over some people like Johnny Depp, James Mcavoy n Jonathan Rhys Meyers.( sorry hubby i cant help it .... but you're still the one i Love)
8. Buy Loads of BOOKS!!!!!
9. i will take a walk in the rain delibrately of course.....gosh the last time i did that was 10 years ago.
10.i will one day have a beautiful garden....yes yes i will......and if i dont have green fingers i will cultivate them.
11. i will grow my hair long and try not to cut it half way down the required length.
12. i will learn how to wear eyemake-up without poking myself in the eye and going blind in the process and make my eyes all smoky and hot!!!! sigh this one may be a dream.
13. blah blah blah......sorry the tom boy in me rebelled the moment i tried to become all girly....can you believe it next thing i know i would be taking moisteurising to a new level (in my case hard to believe). so i will stop before iam gonna give up and back pack into the wilderness and be eaten my wild beasts.
thanks for all those who wasted their precious time on reading this junk...im so grateful....hopefully i will write some brillant stuff next time round and knock your socks off!! till then
ciao.

On being a mom!

Friday last week saw me in tears and feeling emotions i didnt know one could feel! damn being a mom its horrid ... the helplessness one feels when one cant help their child in pain.....joash had to go through a minor surgery and they couldnt really help him with the pain for various reasons.....though the torture lasted a couple of mins ...i couldnt handle it at all......it was so horrid.i wish i could take all the pain and hold him tight but i couldnt...it was like something out of a nightmare....but the dahlin bounced back just like kids have a wonderful way of doing!!!!

so glad and relieved !!!! Gosh being a mom is tough! but i wouldnt change that for anything in the world!