About deep ends and year ends.

Two years a ago soon after i turned 30 i plunged into a deep abyss which has lasted for two years and now at age 32, i can finally say that the dark cloud has passed ....my hubby might not agree with me. he might ask me who was that screaming banshee just a couple of weeks ago....this will be my answer " duh ever heard of PMS" so i still get down and i still wish i could strangle a lot of people from time to time but thats just part of the natural cycle of life...not the deep abyss i was talking about....

sometime in 2008 when i escaped to my bosom friend aps place to clear the chaos that my mind couldnt make sense of i wrote down a list (not the insane or silly stuff i post on my blog) but the real one nobody has seen......well as this dark cloud has lifted i have found out that almost 99% of the list has come true and a million of my prayers answered.

i have travelled more times this year than my jetsetting hubby.

Done stuff i never done in my life......got more gifts , surprises good and bad and much much more.

i have made peace with a lot of my inner demons and discovered a load more about myself and others.

iam a person who believes in certain intangible stuff in life.....a couple of years ago no matter what i did i kept bumping into the word " Faith'' i couldnt understand its true meaning....2 years ago i even thought i 'd name my 2nd child Faith if the baby turned out to be a girl....alas i had a boy but you must understand how strong this word was hitting me.....i had no clue that over the last two years how close i came to losing faith in God and mankind.....i was on the brink of giving up on the human race as a whole( no this doesnt mean i wanted to off myself) i now see it was just a reminder that tough times happen and i was to simply to " keep the faith".

Now that i have come back to myself this past year a new word has made its presence felt "HOPE" i am really feeling a whole lot healither inside....my hubby bought me a beautiful delicate necklace for christmas ( shhhh i am not supposed to know of course) but guess what the pendant on it said "HOPE "!!!!!!!!! on a tiny coin both in English and Hindi what are the odds????!!!!

so as the year winds to an end iam full of buck and beans and looking forward to a good year with a grateful heart for all the good and bad stuff coz sometimes its the bad stuff that teaches us who we really are and helps us understand a bit more of life. so here's to Hope !!!!!! and i wish you all a Blessed year ahead!

Sister of my Heart.

Its been a week since my sis left after a month long vacation with me. iam much better now but i was suffering from serious seperation anxiety and depression soon after her departure...which iam sure is normal but this time round i felt her absence keenly. Nins my sis and i have an 18 month age difference , as long as i remember she has always been a round ,we played together ,went to school together ,we shared the same bedroom and wardrobe all our lives....as all siblings do, we had our share of love ,hate and fights.
I've never really been apart from her most of my life apart from the odd stay over at a friend's....in 1999-2000 she left to pursue her higher studies in Australia, i never realised she was going away and life would never be the same ever again, it only struck me at the airport the moment she waved one last time before disappearing, i broke down in the airport and cried like a baby everyone was staring but i didnt give a hoot, just before leaving and giving me the last hug she handed me a letter i dont remember what it said but she did say she loved me.....that was the moment i felt a premonition that life would never be the same.( around the same time aps my best friend left for pune and deep my hubby and then boyfriend was overseas working)
when i went home her bed was stripped naked and her side of the cupboard stood half open revealing its empty shelves, i felt hollow inside and ever so lonely.
My premonition came true the following year i got married and moved to Singapore , my sister missed my wedding but aps stood in for her as my maid of honour. Life was never the same!
over the years we've had holidays and reunions with her.....but this holiday made a big diffrence coz it was a longer holiday than usual and as you must know i live with boys ,i forgot how wonderful hanging out with a girl was like laughing at private jokes, looking at each other with understanding even though no words were uttered, shoppping(iam not a shopper but i got converted coz of her for a while) dressing up to go to dinner,gossiping and catching up on ole friends and dissecting others behaviour....movies , food, music dancing the whole nine yards.....it was a blast.

I miss her a lot! but i know she's a phone call away and we will meet soon! In case she's reading this just wanted you to know. I am glad i have a sister and i am glad its you! Thanks for being around! love you. miss you sleeping beauty!

Sleeping beauty.

Iam a light sleeper.My sis on the other hand is what we Indians call "KUMBHAKARANA"( a character in Indian mythology who sleeps for 6 months and then eat a lot the other 6 months) when it comes around to the sleep factor.
Sleep is next to Godliness in her book. her sleeping patterns are much fodder for family get together jokes. but here's an incident which my father still cannot believe to be true.
Long long time ago in the good ole days ,when i was still in school and reed thin. one day we had to go out for a get together and my sis had an exam the next day and was left behind at home....we asked her to lock up the house from the inside and told her we would be back in no time as an extra measure we locked the house from the outside too.
so dahlin sister in true fairytale fashion was locked in the castle like a good ole princess.
After a couple of hours had passed we all returned home , the lock was opened but my sis had locked the door on the inside....so we rang the bell and waited there was no sound of my sister coming down the staircase....we then yelled up at the bedroom window still no news of the dear girl! having waited ...we the mob kinda got a bit worried and angry too.after hammering on the door and yelling at every window that my sister couldnt possibly ignore ...i was made to climb the chiku tree that leaned against the upstairs open courtyard from which the doors to the bedroom, could be accessed and which were left open most of the time.....so i legged it up the tree over the parapet wall and into the courtyard only to find dahlin sister had locked the doors from the inside i pushed at the door and through the chink could see her lying on the bed a few meters away....so i yelled for her to open the door and banged the door in anger but still no response.....finally i who could put a paper to shame had to pry open the windows to the livingroom slither through the bar which believe me even my skinny son cannot go through...of coz bruising my ribs et all got into the house ...went down the stairs and opened the door.....my Dad who is the most peaceful man i know on earth and who would give a murderer the benefit of the doubt....suddenly saw red...he marched upstairs and woke up Sleeping beauty who from the look of it was sleeping as if only a kiss from a prince could wake her up from the living dead situation. once aroused my dad accused her of being petty and she neednt have pretended to be asleep just coz we had left her alone....for those who know my sister ....who is a cool cucumber if i may say so....just rubbed her eyes sleepily and smiled ...this my father thought was a sure sign that she was feigning it......but truth be told till today she holds out that she was really sleeping!!!!
anyway the reason iam telling you all this is coz my sister who currently lives in Aussieland is coming down for a visit soonish...i called her this morning ( afternoon in downunder) and it was my phone call that woke her up ...i told her she better try waking up early as the time difference would kill her and her sleep cycles once she was here......she laughed said she'd try and i thought " right!!! pigs will fly next"
so sleeping or not iam totally looking forward to the arrival of" Sleeping beauty".hippieeeeeeeee to the reunion of the ya ya sisterhood!
Cant wait to have some female bonding....after being smothered by male company with my bunch of boys....totally looking forward with much anticipation!!! Just cant wait!!!

My to do Check list!

I have delibrately decided to write despite the fact that my grey matter including the remaining goo like matter has oozed out of my brain and i can sense flies or such creatures buzzing in my empty upper storey ....i have come to the important conclusion that i must and will continue blogging despite no topic or idea coming to mind ....simply coz i cant take this writers block anymore......so i convinced myself that i will cook up something and perhaps unlock my dead imagination....so bear with me peoples!

so here goes the list:-

1. i will write marvellous write ups in the near future.
2.i will become a sparkling conversationalist and peoples will flock around to hear
my stuff.
3.i will go to Photography classes and become a wonderful phototaker.
4.i will learn to bake and make a kickass wedding cake with dainty flowers et all.
5.i will get back my posh british accent and just love talking that way though iam sure to annoy a couple of people.
6.i will win the battle of the bulge come what may and get back at some people who have been giving me a pretty bad time.
7.i will continue to salivate over some people like Johnny Depp, James Mcavoy n Jonathan Rhys Meyers.( sorry hubby i cant help it .... but you're still the one i Love)
8. Buy Loads of BOOKS!!!!!
9. i will take a walk in the rain delibrately of course.....gosh the last time i did that was 10 years ago.
10.i will one day have a beautiful garden....yes yes i will......and if i dont have green fingers i will cultivate them.
11. i will grow my hair long and try not to cut it half way down the required length.
12. i will learn how to wear eyemake-up without poking myself in the eye and going blind in the process and make my eyes all smoky and hot!!!! sigh this one may be a dream.
13. blah blah blah......sorry the tom boy in me rebelled the moment i tried to become all girly....can you believe it next thing i know i would be taking moisteurising to a new level (in my case hard to believe). so i will stop before iam gonna give up and back pack into the wilderness and be eaten my wild beasts.
thanks for all those who wasted their precious time on reading this junk...im so grateful....hopefully i will write some brillant stuff next time round and knock your socks off!! till then
ciao.

On being a mom!

Friday last week saw me in tears and feeling emotions i didnt know one could feel! damn being a mom its horrid ... the helplessness one feels when one cant help their child in pain.....joash had to go through a minor surgery and they couldnt really help him with the pain for various reasons.....though the torture lasted a couple of mins ...i couldnt handle it at all......it was so horrid.i wish i could take all the pain and hold him tight but i couldnt...it was like something out of a nightmare....but the dahlin bounced back just like kids have a wonderful way of doing!!!!

so glad and relieved !!!! Gosh being a mom is tough! but i wouldnt change that for anything in the world!

something warm and fuzzy.

Yesterday my baby boy, joash did something i have never saw him do before.....the little tyke is down with a bad viral fever but nothing keeps the fella down...he plays as usual and makes cheeky little faces at you , after pulling my hair for the nth time when i finally think he's been at it too longer i will give him a firm "no joey" immediately his face changes , he's hurt and cant understand how anybody can scold him, in fact being the youngest and the baby of the house has spoiled him rotten...he believes that nobody should scold him ...in fact sometimes his expression gives you the impression that says "how dare you curb me or my activities".......

but the poor chap feels poorly from time to time ....he will come around and ask me for a hug or he'll go to tess and play the poor me face card and win a hug from that quarter too...but what amazes me is since he's been sick.....he grabbed my t-shirt which was left hanging on the door ...and started carrying around ...at first i thought it was a game but soon i realised that he was it carrying around like a security blanket...coz it smelled like mummy...awwww my heart melted....coz unlike most babies both of my kiddos are very independent ..unless very tired or in a strange place they dont cling...or constantly seek our attention ....they are very independent!!! so when the same thing happened today morning....off he went in search of the same red t-shirt and spent the whole day trailing it all around!! it warms my heart!!!!
how wonderful to know that ...i am that person who makes him feel safe and secure...and when iam busy..my t-shirt which smells like me....will keep him company and it makes him feels like i am around!!!!
lovely.....certain smells and sounds remind me of home and things with nostalgia ....its so heart warming to know i mean soo much too him.....i know it will pass , as kids grow up and also away from their parents we are no longer the center of their universe, but iam glad to know for the moment ...iam the most important person in the world for him!!!!
thanks joey we've made your mother's day!!! love ya!

The different me.

The last two months have been busy busy busy.....first i went for a short five day workshop in may....to check out if i could hold any clout being in the art world alas as fun and enlightening as it was i came to the realistic conclusion that in another birth or time i could have been a patron of arts but not the creator of anything closely resembling the fine arts....so that dream along with the boat crashed and burned !!!!

then my birthday came by, which was a happy time hubby made it real special and folks iam 32 yes yes dahlings there is no shame ....officially i've two legs in the thirties and i feel gooooood!!!! i sported a flashy jade green top and almost killed hubby trying to wear my hot red shoes ...iam sure he thought his wife was a hop,jump skip away from joining the looney bin....but no such luck honey!!! in a couple of years perhaps....iam loving the new 30's person who has emerged ...i who wanted no jewellery and wore subdued colours for my own wedding.....have become a colour freak and large jewellery is kinda my latest thing....bold is my middle name.....loving it!!!!

Joash my baby turned two!!!! time flies!!! with josh my eldest time went by slowly but with the super brat all things are whizzing by!!! joey is a cheeky bugger and more alive than any picture could captured ...so my little rascal hope to see many more fun filled years to come with you!!! God bless you!

June saw me breaking a leg at a friends party ....dancing???? you say yes folks dance is an unknown factor in my DNA ....but must be that small amount of the "juice" which my system cudnt contain .....made me "FEEL" all apsarasa like....gosh donno how embrasssing it all was...but who cares??? not me!!! no sireeee!

Then came the piece de resistance for our recent family vacation and i mean my hubby's entire family trooped over to 'Nepal' hubby bought me wait !!!!its a big one!!!!A Nikon D90!!!! iam over the moon...in 1997 i thought God please let me have a camera .....i want to be a photographer.....finally God has answered....whats not to like about the thirties???!!!
Nepal on the other hand was beautiful yet disappointing cant explain !!! people its not cold at all unless you are actually heading for the Everest peak! plus all of us took turns having the runs and vomitting...so it was a total wash out!

My friend recently had a blast on her beeday which she totally deserves , many more to you babe!!!!!!
and honestly what more could a girl ask for all i can say is" it is well ,it is well with my soul!!!!"